Joy in Darkness:

Remember what I said. That there would be darkness before things grew light again. I went into it knowing that no one would remember. That I would have no support in any way. The evil one has been trying to suppress my spirit from the day I was born. He will not win. I hope, in the future, you can see how much faith this took. When the truth comes out, things will make a lot more sense. Truth will absolutely come out. When the truth comes out, there will be an opportunity to rejoice. This is not about me. I’ve been paying too much attention to what others think of me lately. Don’t think I am blind. I notice the way others are treating me right now. Feeling resigned and defeated. I don’t know what I have done to upset people. I don’t want to feel like this. My identity is more than that. And I deserve so much more. I am going to focus on positive a lot more. I don’t need the approval of other people. I cannot be perfect. I’m saying that for the benefit of everyone. Believe me, you have a right to be disappointed with me. But I really am not doing as poorly as you may think. I am doing a lot positive. I wish you could see; I still have faith that it will be revealed to you how hard I am trying. What I have been through. I can’t help how you feel about me or change your perceptions about me. Because in light of everything I have been through, I’m trying very hard to do the right thing and to open my heart to trust. What I can do is not give up. I’ve told the truth in my life and I will stand by it through whatever I have to. I know it’s difficult to have compassion and patience for someone who continually is turned away from righteousness. Please, don’t forget what I have been through. No one owes me anything. I realize that. And after yesterday that feeling has solidified within my heart. I’m trying to be as neutral as I can right now. So that I can make the best of this situation with a positive and humble attitude. But I have to speak the truth as I know it. And I will not apologize for that. All I have stood against, really, is hate. I don’t think it’s insensitive to speak up against murder and rape. Truth is coming out. I remember everything else very well. I am not crazy. I know your society would expect an element of holiness. I’ll not give up. I will try my hardest. I know how difficult it is to believe in something we can’t see. I’m just asking you to understand why what is happening right now is so re-traumatizing and stressful for me. I’ll not give up. I am a child of the Kingdom before even I am a suffering human being. Every time I read the Word of God, I experience joy. Something new is revealed to me. It’s like an adventure to read Scripture. As it should be. It’s always very exciting for me to enter the Word. But today, something happened that really triggered a reaction in me. I have experienced this before but not to this degree. The Word always speaks to me when I am reading. But what happened today really made me feel a lot of joy and sorrow at the same time. I was reading the Gospel of John, chapter 20. This is the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I don’t usually visualize when I am reading. With the trauma, visualization has been a struggle. I struggle with this a lot and try very hard to visualize when I am reading Scripture. Today, after praying before entering, I had such a powerful image of two angels sitting in the cave, appearing to Mary Magdeline. I saw these angels with such power. They were like burning embers and burnt into my vision. I kind of wept after this. It was so incredibly powerful. I am feeling a lot right now. Mostly, I am feeling sorry. I am very sorry for a lot in my life. How I have allowed the trauma in my own life to dictate how I act and speak at times. I’m sorry that it has allowed me to hurt other people. I’m sorry that I keep forgetting how great your world has been to me. The stress is not an excuse. I am going to try, keep trying. I know I’ve said it before. I won’t give up. Even if it’s for myself. I’m realizing my reactions lately are not too classy. I am going to win this. I am not going to allow the darkness to win. Satan is a punk. My life is more than what I have been through. And I have the choice over what I do and how I react.