April 21, 2016:

I’ve been trampled down a lot in my life. It’s funny how you don’t pay attention to stuff like that, especially if you are in the situation. I had a conversation with my fellow facilitator at the Gatehouse yesterday after group. He helped me realize how much I have been through and am still going through to this day. I am pretty rough on myself. Even now, I feel myself censoring the voice that I know I have inside of myself. My abusers, essentially, though I do not have clear memories of my earliest years, have sought under their own guises of love to destroy my spirit. That’s pretty harsh. Maybe it wasn’t intentional entirely. Maybe in a way they even did love me. Maybe it is the darkness working through them. I remember a time when I was about fourteen, a couple of months before the assault that happened to me when some abusers were verbally abusing me and humiliating me when I just became silent. For a long time before this, I would fight back and resist the abuses. Even now, I can remember the disgust I felt for myself as I simply fell, defeated. I can remember the insults and jabs at my self-worth. I remember my shoulders dropping in submission to an accumulation of abuse and rape and humiliation. After a while, I just accepted the fact that I was dirty, abused and really whatever they said I was. I’ve got so much on my heart. It is no wonder I feel so insecure about myself and everything I stand for. I also want to say that I am not crazy. I am not a victim. I am not defeated. I have every right to live and to thrive. I have this right because God says I do. I love God sincerely. But I have to be able to love myself too. I have to start fighting for myself. For my right to live and for the truth. Continuation: Yesterday was great. I had my meeting at the Gatehouse. Temporarily, we are meeting somewhere else because of some issues at the house. Afterwards, I went home. Today, when I woke up, I fed the birds outside some seed. They seem to remember that I give them food because they’re always hanging around now. Someone else, I think who lives next door, is breaking up bread and putting it in the same spot I put the seed. Today, I saw a cat sitting by the place where I feed them. I’ll get a bird feeder soon so that they can be safer. Birds have great memories. You wouldn’t think it by looking at them. I remember a couple of winters ago, going to a park on Lakeshore Boulevard where I would bring bird seed or bread. I went almost daily. I found it soothing for the stress that I was dealing with. Anyways, there were a group of geese, mallard ducks and swans that always collected there. I guess they went there because people always fed them bread and stuff. Every day I went for one week in a row. By the end of the week, the minute I would pull up in the parking lot and the birds were in the park, after I got out of my car and they saw me walking towards them with the bird seed in my hands, they would start running towards me. They’re such beautiful creatures. Anyways, today I went to Starbucks where I am going to write a bit more of my travel account. Afterwards, I’ll go to Mass. Very grateful for a lot of people who are being supportive. I think I haven’t shown my gratitude as well as I have wanted or intended regarding people’s concern, support and faith. I want you to know how thankful I am to have you in my life, even if it is simply in the form of a smile to a stranger on the street. I am thankful for the opportunity to help others in their own recovery and healing paths. Continuation: I have a lot to say today. I have a bit to process and prepare for. One instant today I want to reflect on is when the route 60 bus went into York U. It usually stops at the other side of the campus from where I have to catch my other bus. Today, when it stopped, the driver told us that it was the last stop. I walked up nicely and said “I have to catch this other bus and I have some difficulty walking. Are you driving up a bit closer soon?” He was very cool about it and waited for a couple of minutes before driving up. The reason I mention this is because I felt very proud of myself for being assertive. I’m glad that I was able to say this and then not feel badly about it afterwards. I went to Mass later. Now, I will go grocery shopping. Very grateful tonight.