January 27, 2016:

Today has been amazing so far. I fell asleep late again last night. Went to bed around 1AM, couldn’t fall asleep until 4. But I feel I am getting good healthy sleep. My fast is affecting me physically. Most of the day, I’ve felt really drained. This evening, I went grocery shopping. I got all vegetables and fruits. I picked up something called Sharon fruit. They’re little orange balls that look like persimmons. They taste so nice! I also got some Portobello mushrooms. I roasted them up this evening and ate them. I feel rejuvenated now! I went to Starbucks in the afternoon, where I worked a bit on my website. I will go to the gym tomorrow. Not giving up! I am getting to the point where I can’t wait to go to the gym now. If we look at pain as a cycle, great things are apt to arise. It’s always difficult to see in the midst of hurting. But, truly, when we deal with and work through our own pains, traumas and sufferings, we get to a place where we are able to help others deal with the same pain we were experiencing. What an amazing process. I went to my RCIA class again this evening. One of my coordinators brought me a book and some cards for how to pray the rosary. There were some rosary beads along with it. One set of the beads are made of olive wood from Bethlehem. Another is the most beautiful set made of little stones. He brought it for me because I was asking about the rosary the week before, telling them that I was really appreciating the prayer. When we were asked if anyone wanted to close in prayer, I said I would like to. So I said a ‘Hail Mary’ followed by a ‘Glory Be’. After, one of the coordinators approached me and said he appreciated the fact that I prayed the ‘Glory Be’. It is for His glory. I’m enjoying the RCIA class a lot. “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). I may have lost my life because of the actions and deceit of others but I will never lose my faith. Anyways, the point of these writings is not about me. My life is simply a vessel. My life, its accomplishments, trials and my heart are the Father’s as they should have been all along. My life, sufferings, soul, this letter and ultimately my overcoming in the face of death are to display the infinite goodness and mercy of our Father and what He has done for me in His ultimate good will. I have suffered a lot in my life. And I have seen how that suffering affects everything I have done and said. My life and soul are in God’s hands.” This evening, I noticed after getting off the bus on Finch that the bus I needed to catch was just pulling away. It was really cold outside and I wanted to catch it. Watching it pull away, I raised my arms in frustration. After this, I realized there were people around. They were kind of looking at me for a second. I realized at that moment that my actions, though without any ill intent, can often leave people questioning. I do not mean offence by what I do. But I realize that because of some of the stuff I have done in the past, it’s easy for people to question my motives, understandably. It is my intention to be more prudent. A Bible verse resonated with me a lot as I read it last night. It is, “Let it not be said: ‘This is worse than that.’ For all things will be tested in their time.” I think the reason this resonated so much with me is that nothing I have gone through is too much for me. And I will be rewarded once I am tested. Paul was a great saint and Apostle. Remember from where Paul came. Our example is Jesus, the Christ. Our example is the Son of God. There is a reason for the fencing in of Torah or the exacting of the Law in Jesus’ appeal at the Sermon on the Mount. It serves to indicate the cost or price of being a disciple of Christ Jesus. But, it also serves to illustrate the purity of the Father God and the need for Christ’s love for us to be able to approach the Father. We cannot do this on our own. And here, Jesus shows us that through His great Name and love, we can achieve this righteousness. This is what I am saying. This is the reason that Christ came to us, that love may be revealed to us. It is for love that we were created. In a sense, we have lost sight of Paul’s message of the Christ that we are to love each other and have concentrated more on turning this picture of a meek spiritual relationship into an ideology. We’re thinking so much. And we’re doing so much. The true love of God is not in achieving power or being at the top, in control, but rather in humbling yourselves, withdrawing with Christ in love. Respect and love.