Monday, August 22, 2016

June 21, 2016:

I’m back from Niagara. I had an amazing time. I don’t intend to write about a lot of the experiences I had there. Waiting allows a relationship to grow so that God can be the focus of the relationship. Though we need, I think, to examine each situation with love and respect. I deserve to be happy, if God says that. God has encouraged me to be happy my entire life. Remember, you cannot forget that God is above all, a loving Father to they who also love Him. Remember that. I went to confession for my conscience. Though I believe I am forgiven already as a follower of Christ, confession is very useful. I believe in this case, allowing my heart to open was the right thing. I deserve to be happy with my childhood. I’m alive. Even though a part of me has died. High five to life, seriously. Concept of intimacy doesn’t feel normal to me. It seems foreign to me that sex and physical love could be positive. My aversion is clearly understandable to me at least. Even with something good and normal, like water, if a young boy from a very young age was continually shamed for his desire to drink it and nearly drowned as a response, it is obvious that that boy will grow up with an unhealthy view of both his need for the life sustaining substance and of it in general. As a testimony. It feels as though an entirely new gender has appeared overnight. Love feels different than abuse. I am overwhelmingly grateful for being able to open my heart. And I am so grateful for the woman with whom it happened. I couldn’t be happier. Still after this week, I reflected, regretting over the relationships and experiences I was not able to experience because I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to. I am very sad that now that I am able to date and have a friendship, I lost two of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I can’t believe that I let them go. What I really can’t believe is how much effort they put into trying to get me to open up. But another thing accepting that feeling of love and acceptance is doing for me is showing me that I have to treat myself with gentleness and respect as well. I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to show these two women how much I loved them. And I did love them, legitimately. I think I still do. I love a lot of people for their ability to see hope in me when everybody wanted to give up. I hope these women are happy. You are and will always be in my heart. I am sorry this is taking so long. I understand your frustration. I am frustrated with myself as well. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. We are not our pasts unless our past bridges into our present. It’s clear to me how a set of crimes so serious, in one’s development would influence the path on which they build their lives. I don’t entirely know what I have done to upset people lately. If you’re looking to my past for bad things, there will not be a shortage. All of which, I am prepared to stand accountable for. I’m sorry for a lot in my life. I have to continue to build on the love of God that I know fills my heart. There is a reason for all of this. Know that everything will happen as it is meant to, for the best of all. I hope this will make sense to you soon. Truth will come out.

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