Monday, August 22, 2016
June 13, 2016:
I went to the gym again a couple of days ago. I guess I am being too hard on myself with exertion on the bag. My back felt like it was under vice grips. For a reason I couldn’t hit as hard as I have been in the past. I assumed that I have been going too hard. I need to give my body a time to break and heal. Part of loving ourselves comes as we are able to identify needs that our body has like hunger, thirst and fatigue and responding to them appropriately. As a result of going to the gym, I have been getting to sleep sooner, which is a positive thing. I played golf yesterday. It was a great game. My friend Spence played really well. It was a very, very difficult course under the conditions. The wind was at times, 35 + m/ph. The best hole for me was 17. It was a 260 yard par 4. I skulled my drive and it skirted along the rough and ended up about 113 yards from the green. But I had a great view of the pin, which was tucked away in behind a bunker. My approach shot, I used a nine iron and thought I mishit it but the wind took it right back to the green. The ball landed at the front of the green and rolled all the way back to about five feet from the hole. I sank the putt for a birdie. Today, I am feeling humbled. I had a difficult night last night. I went to my buddy, Rob’s place. But after, I just felt very depressed. I went to a nice Korean restaurant and had a nice meal. I did this in spite of the fact that my fast had been going well. After this, I felt so badly about myself. I went to the convenience store and bought a box of thin oreos. I went to the games room and played games for about an hour. I can’t stop thinking about the people who I have hurt. I am sincerely praying for them. I am feeling so badly about this and I know what I deserve in spite of the fact that I was very much a child when I did these things and what was happening to me when I did them. I’m feeling very troubled. I really need to focus on my self-betterment, which really is all I have been doing for the past seventeen years. It’s a never ending journey. Don’t deny people’s ability to change though. I am absolutely different than I was when I did these things. I am changing positively daily. I am fasting today. In addition, I have remained abstinent for the past nine days. I’m having a lot of spiritual attacks in my sleep. I am fighting this. I downloaded an app called Shut Up, Devil. It’s a great little app for maintaining the armor of Christ under attack. It’s helped me a number of times shift my focus back to the love of God. Please remember what I am claiming to have been through. Don’t forget the injury I went through. Trauma accumulation affects our physical well-being as well. This manifests in a lot of ways. Anyways, last night, I told my roommate I would help him with his essay. I hope I was able to help him. I was tired and my thoughts were scattered. My other roommate gave me his essay to read. It’s very good. This morning, I was exiting Saint Patrick subway station when I saw a woman who was struggling with her bag going up the stairs. I offered her help and she replied that it I had my own problems, respectfully. I insisted and helped her with her bag up the stairs. I seem to be making money again after my little disaster with trading. Keep faith. This will end well. Continuation: I am feeling very stressed right now. I went to church today. I wept after taking the Host. I feel very unworthy of the sacrifice that Christ paid for me. I deserve it. I deserve it because of my faith. I feel so unworthy though. Afterwards, I entered the bar across the street. On entering, a couple of people stared at me as I stood at the entrance waiting to be seated. I felt bad about this. Probably unnecessarily. Maybe they were simply curious. And when the waitress came, I asked her to tell the couple I was sorry for standing next to them as they were eating. I hope I said it politely. If not, it’s only because of the way the injury has affected my speech. The waitress assured me that it would have been understandable that I would be standing there. I ordered a veggie burger and fries because I was so hungry. Then, I remembered my fast. I won’t eat the burger but will pay for it. I am trying very hard to be nice and courteous. I am going to the Gatehouse this evening. I promise this will make a lot more sense soon. This is not entirely about me anymore. I have faith that God will glorify me as I deserve in accord with the truth. Truth will come out. Of this I am certain. I’m not oblivious to what is happening in the world. I’m so sorry. Things are going to work for the best of all involved. Keep faith and strong in truth. This afternoon, I ate a bit. I had a seaweed salad, edamame beans and a vegetable soup after my session at the Gatehouse. My fast is going well. I offered the burger and fries I had bought to a man downtown. Going to go to bed early. I am grateful for a caring and compassionate Father and for a caring and compassionate world. Keep faith in the future. I truly feel as though people just need to be shown that they are loved, unconditionally, by a perfect and awesome God. I love this world. I weep that it’s taken me this long to realize. I just have to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is, things will get better. I just have to overcome and fight it straight on. Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). I feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways. It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist. I pray for the right thing to be done. For whatever needs to be done to bring God’s will to fruition. As I am allowing myself more and more to trust His love, with the forgiveness that I have fortified in my heart, I am more and more affirming my sense of being as a servant. I realize that I have struggled much in my purpose. I am asking you to have empathy, compassion and understanding, like God has, knowing how much I have been through and what exactly I was up against. I should have tried harder. I keep telling myself this. Knowing that I have tried my hardest the entire time. Whatever God crowns me with now, I am happy. However God wants to use my life, I am content. I am just so sorry to all of you. I know that things will get better if you just hold on to your tender faiths. This life can get better for all of you first. Please don’t forget that this is because of what I have been through. There is wisdom in that. If not to be wisdom and insight made full, there is that. And I know that the right thing will happen still. Either way, the truth will be made known. I encourage you with a gentle heart that it is not against the gospel to help those who are legitimately hurting. But I know you know that. You have all shown me so much love, much more than I deserve, especially when I revealed to you my experiences. I will never forget that. The way everyone, people of every religion, gender, race and age treated me with tenderness. We all just need to understand to have empathy. My story is not the worst. The reason I say this is because I want to encourage you. If people can have empathy for me, knowing my story. We can have empathy and compassion for everyone else, without knowing their story. But just knowing that life isn’t the greatest to any of us at all of the time. Don’t forget the way your hearts have been touched deeply in your lives. And seek out these experiences. Remember, we are all human beings. We all suffer greatly. This can be a matter which unites us greatly as a community. It doesn’t have to tear us apart. I wish I had someone to tell me what others are thinking. I rely on my conscience, in the Spirit. I have faith that truth will come out.