Monday, August 22, 2016
May 18, 2016:
Last night, I prayed. I pray every night but last night, I opened my heart to Him. It makes me feel loved like I probably never have been when I realize that I have a Father who cares for me and loves me more than anything else. Knowing that I have a Father is all of the strength that I need. I prayed for courage and faith to stand for the truth about my life but most of all, to stand for the truth of His love. He reminded me that regardless of how stressful things get, how painful and dark things may seem at times, He reminded me that we can still be grateful. I had a difficult day yesterday. I was really stressing over a lot of crazy stuff that’s happening in my life right now. A lot of that crazy stuff is simply (not simply – because it’s a lot) the accumulation of feelings that have resulted from everything I have been through. At a point yesterday, I went to the dollar store where I was feeling really triggered. I made the choice at that point to thank Jesus, in spite of everything that was happening. I thanked Him for His love. I was reminded the second I thanked Him that He absolutely loves me. Regardless of what is happening, there is always something that is very positive. I’m sure if we look around, we would be able to see something beautiful everywhere, in everything. Above everything that illuminates with the love of God, the love of God is the greatest thing we have to be thankful for. I am thankful for amazing friends today and the support of some pretty great people. I had a conversation with a friend last night. I had just called to say hello. She noticed that I had called earlier than I usually call and asked if everything was alright. I spoke to her for a while about what was happening with the case I have started. She asked me again why I am doing it and if I would want to pursue it further than the investigation. I told her that for most of my life, the reason I didn’t tell, the reason it went on for so long was because I felt as if I was to blame. I heaped up all of the responsibility of what they were doing to me onto my own shoulders. I told her I was just a child, that I couldn’t have known any better, that they were the adults and should have known better. I told her that I realized in my mind that none of this was my fault. But that in my heart, I still internalized a lot of what happened as being a result of my being a bad person, flawed and somehow deserving it. I told her that were I to go through with this, it would be for the purpose of showing myself that I deserved better all of those years, decades. It would be for the purpose of showing myself that I am not to blame and that I deserve a life, love and the choice to think and act on what I want. I deserve life. I just want the truth to come out so that I can feel like a human being as though I was not born to be a slave. Today, I am thankful for dark times and darkness in that they provide a place from which to grow and develop patience and hope. Continuation: I went to my RCIA class this evening. It was very nice. We attended Mass together and then we ate a bit and were offered our certificates. I spoke with a woman with whom I took the class. And we watched a video by God on Fire Bishop Robert Barron. It was about the Mother Mary. Very touching. I got to the church early. The battery on my phone died and so I just hung around until devotions and the Blessed Sacrament. I prayed the rosary and then read three chapters of the Book of Acts. I realized that I was having a bit of difficulty walking coming into the church. But when I left, I was really struggling. On my way home, I think I frightened a woman who was walking in front of me because I was stumbling. I didn’t mean to frighten you. This really hurts. Thank God and I am very grateful that it doesn’t always hurt like this to move around. I am grateful that I am still getting better to this day. To my Christian brothers and sisters, I want to say that I know this mustn’t make entire sense at this time. I hope it will. I have to follow what I know to be right. Darkness will be blotted out. I can only pray that this will make sense to you along the road. Don’t believe until there is reason to. Just trust that there’s a reason for all of this. And that it is not based in a drive for vengeance or even punishment. I trust my God completely for His justice. But, in the meantime, there is a reason for worldly justice, as imperfect as it is. I just cannot lose sight of what my abusers did to me. I can’t lose sight that none of this was my fault. Sometimes, what we need is more than tolerance. Sometimes, what we need is action, a stand for truth. We need something to remind us that we are loved, that God is in control in the meantime, that justice is coming and that darkness is meant to be trampled underfoot. Because it stands in opposition to truth and to love. Maybe love is not being submissive to the point of slavery. Love knows when to speak up because it sees itself with value. Keep an open mind, knowing that regardless of what may have happened and how things transpired, a child is never to blame for sexual abuse. They have no power over the situation and when a child is taught to believe that this is normal, no one can expect them to understand the fact that they have any choice over the matter. Force was very often used.