May 14, 2016:

It’s been a nice couple of days. My buddy Rob invited me over to play a board game with his brother in law last night. Today, we are going to the casino. Mostly everything like this sort of thing is permissible. Not everything is beneficial. I went to church around lunch time and prayed the rosary. I saw my old friend Jeong Soo yesterday at the university, on my way to going to get some writing done. I told him about a decision I was facing and he was very supportive and assured me that I could call him any time. It feels so good to have support, the support I never had as a child, when I was being abused. It’s nice to know that, though things may grow dark still that I have great support, people who know me for the man that I am and not the boy who I used to be. Yesterday morning, also on the bus, there was a woman who got on the bus at Cook Road and went to sit next to me. The bus started to move before she sat and she fell onto me and spilled a lot of her coffee across my shirt and pants. I was agitated for a moment but then assessed that it had been an accident and she was clearly sorry. I asked her if she was alright and said it was okay. Her friend offered me a tissue, which I took. The stain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been. There is one reason I had so much difficulty growing up. To cope with what was happening or had happened. It is not genetic. When a child learns from the youngest possible age that this is normal and appropriate behavior, that this is what they are worth, that this is how adults show love to children, it’s very possible that they also will learn this behavior. I have absolutely done things I am not proud of but I have exhausted a lot of energy and time into making sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ve gone out of my way to change. I haven’t hurt anyone in this way since then. Please keep things in perspective when you assess what I have done with what I have been through. It’s important not to judge. Sexual abuse, the only perspective that is important is the victim’s. We cannot nor should not deny our capacity as living, reactive creatures to both harm and to be harmed. There are some things, which all creatures know are wrong. Child abuse is one of them. The reason I have to stand up for my rights now is because they literally have robbed me of a life, stripping me of choice because of the dynamics involved. My abusers made a lifestyle of abuse. Countless times. No exaggeration. It doesn’t matter if I submitted. Of course I submitted. They forced me from a very young age, teaching me it was all I was worth. They should have known better. They were the adults. In most ways, I knew that all of this stuff would be brought to the surface. And believe me, in no way am I defending what I have done in the past and some of the ways I have learned to cope. I know it was wrong. Believe me, I know it was wrong. But, I have not hurt anyone since then. You ask how I can be sure. Because I have pretty much avoided sexual intimacy with anyone for most of my life. I’m attracted to women. “There are a lot of reasons why I did this but I intentionally avoided sex and intimacy because I irrationally feared hurting someone. I would never intentionally hurt someone but I just feared being in that vulnerable state and being around someone who also was in a vulnerable state. Even the concept of consensual intimacy terrified me because I feared being vulnerable. There are many reasons for that but this is true. Again, it does not make it right. But, what they did to me was literally over the course of twenty years and it was very serious. I pray that you all remember how much courage it takes to admit you’re in the wrong. Especially in an area as sensitive as this. There are many people who have not admitted what they have done and who are still living in darkness. I say with love that this was a part of my message. This is the reason I have come. Don’t judge by appearances. It’s tempting but there are always reasons, perhaps neurotic but very real and logical in some way that is clear to the person, for why a person does something. I admit completely, I am the first person to admit that I have a tainted past. The tainted past that I have was very much caused by the traumas and sufferings that affected me in my development. I can say that I am a changed man today. I am changed by the love and grace and mercy of God and the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus.” When abusers begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head.” Some of the ways I have learned to cope have been as a completely neurotic. When I realized what I was doing, especially with the porn, I stopped looking at the shit entirely. Have been off it for over a year. Anyways, I want to be honest. Because that is more than I ever got. Still, I have faith that things will get better. That the truth will come out. This morning, I finished repotting my ficus bonsai tree. I hope it flourishes. It’s not dead. I also got some planters into which I planted some seeds of poppies and a bright blue flower. This morning, there was a bird sitting on the ledge of my window again. But he sat there for a couple of minutes and just continued to chirp. It was beautiful. But so early. Lol. A couple of nights ago, I did my laundry at the night time. The basement of my new house is pretty dark without lights. I have an apprehension about going into basements without the lights on. This time was easier. I kept reminding myself that I had no reason to fear the darkness because I am guided by the light. There is light in my heart. I have never really felt worthy enough or had enough of an identity to feel confident that I know what I want. What I wanted was always second to the wants and needs of others. I was shown quickly that what I wanted didn’t matter. So, I’ve grown not feeling worthy to want what I want. I think I really need to stop looking at all of the bad things I am doing. I need to stop making up bad situations that were not even there in the first place. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. Continuation: The fact that a man who smoked twenty cigarettes a day in year’s past but since has done everything in his power to avoid cigarettes, while he is going around advocating the fact that smoking is bad for you does not make him a hypocrite. The fact that he has taken part in the thing he is criticizing does not undermine the integrity of his argument. I understand how you’re feeling. Please remember my message. That trauma accumulates, shame accumulates and this sort of behavior has the potential to perpetuate. I hope this will make more sense to you after some time. Like I said, this was bound to come out. I am strong enough. There is a reason for all of this. Truth will come out. Learning to stand up for myself and it feels good. Being a Christian does not make me a doormat. Don’t take this the wrong way. Even Jesus, our Lord demonstrates in the Gospel develops righteous anger and expresses assertiveness. I absolutely do not intend it as an insult. But I get the feeling that people have gotten used to and have started to anticipate the fact that I am just going to submit. Again, not a criticism. The fact is that I was a child and never deserved what happened to me. No child does. But, to understand my situation, I’m asking you to empathize with just how often this sort of stuff happened to me. I know you don’t owe me anything. I just want to do the right thing now. I am not crazy. I went into this knowing a lot of the witnesses I was bringing into it wouldn’t remember.