Monday, August 22, 2016
June 10, 2016:
I woke a little depressed today. Actually I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I spent some time investing and learning about it. I watched a movie from the eighties called Heavenly Kid. It’s about a guy who dies in a car race, enters the afterlife and then is assigned a mission for his soul to be ready for heaven. His mission is to help, who he doesn’t know then is his son, show him that he is worthy and deserves a life. His son is being bullied a lot and isn’t really clear about a lot in his life. It ends well. I had a flashback when watching this of the first time I remember seeing this. It was at the family cottage. I empathized with the son at the beginning. Anyways, I’m realizing the importance, though it has been a skill I have had much time to develop, of understanding the power of my thoughts. Especially of filtering the bad ones. I have been in a constant struggle throughout my life challenging negative thoughts with the instinctive fear and shame that I’ve developed my self-beliefs around. I’m not going to be depressed. Working out in the mornings knocks me out for the rest of the day. But I think I am going to give it a try. See if it affects me in the long run. I was having a lot of difficulty this afternoon when I left the house. I was feeling as though people were upset with me. When I feel like this, it’s difficult for me to distinguish the difference between people’s perceptions of what I have done as opposed to who I am. I internalize a lot of negative stuff. Understandably so. I’m working on it. Then I realized that it was more about me and how I feel that I internalize these messages. You ever have headphones on and for a split second get the feeling that people are talking about you. It lasts for a couple of seconds tops. But it’s enough to seriously mess up your day. Hope you can understand how difficult it is for me to humble myself. I know I am as in need of divine forgiveness as anyone else. I hope you will understand. I believe I am doing the right thing. Day five or six abstinent. Fast was kind of disrupted this morning. I will start again now. I am at Starbucks right now. I am drinking a bottle of water as opposed to coffee. This fast, I will not drink green tea. The caffeine though it was probably helping my weight loss, was distracting from my purpose. I believe in myself. I believe in my God. To understand what I have done, you have to take into context what I have experienced. If I am right, there will be corroboration. Truth will come out. There is a reason I was chosen. Though, I understand some things are going to change now, there was a reason God had compassion on my suffering. He saw what I was up against in my past. As right of a thing to do as this may be, (and I know that everything will make a lot more sense soon) in my case I feel as though it’s all a bit unfair. I suppose that someone has to come forward and take a stand. Everything I have been through has shaped the man I was and am. As messed up as that is, I’m proud of who I have become with the sanctifying and perfecting (not perfect-making) love of Christ. I was up against a lot in this life. I know things will make sense. I went to a restaurant after the gym this evening. I will start my fast tomorrow. It was good for me to work out this evening. When I got there, someone was on the bag. So I did all of my weights first and then went to the bag. I started off with chest press. I pushed 175lbs 8x, 145 12x and 130 12x. Doing this took some of my power away from the bag later. But I was still able to spend about fifteen minutes with breaks on it. Tomorrow, I will go to church. I will go to confession first. There’s a bit I need to speak about. I know I am doing the right thing. I am feeling strong and grounded right now. Knowing that whatever happens, God will be with me. Spence, my golf buddy wants to play on Sunday. Rob also wants to play settler’s. Have yet to decide whether I will go to the gym tomorrow morning or after church. We all have a great deal to look forward to. It can be difficult to see in the midst of darkness. We need to fight through that pain and fear. That way, we will attain the goal of our lives, the salvation of our souls. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. My sexuality is pretty shamed and damaged. I’m attracted to women. I believe that my wounds can still be healed. I just need to be able to trust. This is difficult because of some dynamics associated with the abuse. There is a reason for every single thing we do. It may not make sense to others. We need to stop acting out of defence and start acting in love. Towards ourselves and others.