Monday, August 22, 2016
May 2, 2016:
I slept very well in my new apartment. I always experience a bit of anxiety when I enter a new place, especially when I am going to live there. It takes a while for me to feel safe in a place. This is getting much better. In my old apartment, it took me about a year to be in a place comfortable enough to sleep well through the night and not feel threatened continually by every little noise. I think that the fact that my landlord and other roommate took me to Ikea yesterday, as well as the conversations we had, encouraged me a lot. My landlord helped me take a desk back to the store and I got two hundred and twenty dollars back. She brought up another table that she had in storage. It’s all very encouraging and makes me think of something my new roommate said when we were talking about our experiences. He said there are a lot of really good people in the world who want to care. I’m starting to feel this a lot more. Not that it is anyone’s responsibility to make me or help me feel this way. I know that is very much only my responsibility. But I want to thank a lot of people. In addition to the section of my book that I acknowledged people who have helped me, there are so many others and growing daily. Thank you for everything. Anyways, last night when I went to Home Depot, I bought some nails, a hammer and some birdseed. I hung up the Crucifix that I got at St. Patrick’s Church a while ago next to my door. This morning, I put some bird seed onto the ledge of my window. Wow, it’s so nice to live above ground!!! The birds are already coming to the ledge! I will go to Mass after. Thankful today for a lot. I’m not saying that because I can’t think of anything. I’m saying that because I truly have so much to be thankful for. Continuation: I wrote a little story about something funny I saw today at York in the morning. I erased it, realizing I was using humor to cover my feelings. I thought it was hilarious when I saw it. The humor was genuine. But I am still learning, as it’s a continual process, to confront and process my feelings and emotions when they come. Anyways, I want to say that I have noticed a few people today giving me disappointed looks. It was frustrating for me as it always is. And I feel like I am being judged for what I have been through, who I am as opposed to anything I am doing at that moment in time. I’ve explained this before as to why I feel like that. I prayed a little, before Mass today at church, meditating on the Rosary. I’m still not entirely sure what I have done or am doing. But I have an idea. Let me say, when I say stuff like ‘you might get a surprise’, I mean it in an encouraging manner. It is a defence mechanism I developed when I was in college and having difficulty. And people didn’t understand why I was acting the way I was acting. I used to say ‘we’ll see’ and stuff. I suppose it was my way of letting them know there was a reason for everything. I want to offer you encouragement. Everyone’s journey is different. Not everyone experiences the same path on this life. But, we all experience hurt. We all have such beautifully made, intricate minds and bodies. It’s nothing short of incredible. The truth is that these systems can be hurt. It’s a difficult truth but if you really examine it for what it means, it is such a beautiful and precious truth. One that makes us all the more valuable and precious. Healing is a remarkably powerful and productive thing. What may hurt now can be amazing and such an opportunity for growth later. We all just need to understand to have empathy. Don’t forget the way your hearts have been touched deeply and positively in your lives. And seek out these experiences. Seek out these experiences and memories of love. Remember, we are all human beings. We all suffer greatly. This can be a matter which unites us greatly as a community. It doesn’t have to tear us apart. I want to encourage you to seek Christ. Seek God, the Father through His Word and His Son, Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ. You have all been through so much. We don’t have to be so strong anymore. God loves you. This will not come as a shock to you. Things will make sense soon. Everything will work for the best. I promise you this. I hope you will be able to rejoice in what is happening. I am asking and praying for that. I want the best for your world. And nothing would make me happier in my soul to have people rejoice about what I have been called to do. Everything is for the glory of God.