Monday, August 22, 2016

May 8, 2016:

I am feeling very stressed out right now. It’s on a subconscious level. Outwardly, I am feeling very happy. But my identity is really weighed down by everything that is happening. I can always tell when I am deeply troubled and burdened in my spirit because I have difficulty expressing myself and trouble doing things I would, when feeling at my best, do with ease. It’s like walking around with an ever increasing weight, trying to do every day things like this. I could easily focus on the stress in my life. I am choosing, today, tonight, to be grateful. For everything in my life. Right now, what I am most grateful for is the people in my life who have stuck with me through a lot. I am grateful for having the few people in my life who love me and want to help me. I am so thankful for having my buddies to golf with. I am thankful for having other friends who I play board games with and go to the driving range with. I am very thankful to have friends to whom I can reach out at pretty much any time. Grateful for all of these and so many more. I’ve noticed myself kind of slipping over the past couple of days. Though I am praying, I am not reading the Word of God as much as I would like. I am eating pizzas a bit because I am still getting settled into my place. Going to focus more on my spiritual development as opposed to the material world. I am going to strive to an extended period of abstinence. I still very much believe things will work for the best. I want to assure you that the story ends well. It may be a bit of work between now and then. There will be relief, just as there will be burden in between. But this whole Plan will end well. Don’t be deceived by appeals to pathos and pity. That’s all I’ll say. I want to reiterate again that I wouldn’t be doing this if I thought it wasn’t going to end well. Tonight, I go to sleep feeling loved and respected. The truth will be revealed. I know that I am deeply loved at the very core of my being. This is all that matters. This is all that should matter for any of us. I know it’s difficult to believe right now. Even if you believe it, trusting that as truth is another thing, a more difficult thing. Don’t forget that this is for the glory of God. Don’t believe the lies and the hurts when they tell you that you’re not valuable. I recently heard a song again that I remember hearing when I was young like 12 years old. First, I heard it in the car. Anyways, it was nice to reconnect with the song again. In it, there is this line that really empowers me and makes me feel courageous. It goes like this: “some say the devil, he a mystical fact. I say the devil, he a walking matt. He a fool, he a liar, a conjurer and a thief. Try to tell you what you want, try to tell you what you need.” The song is Tracey Chapman ‘Crossroads’. Go to God for your spiritual nourishment. You deserve so much more than how you’ve been treated. Today, it was a pretty lazy day. I woke up not feeling so well. I did my laundry and then met my roommate in the kitchen. We spoke for a bit and then we played a couple of games of chess. He said he had only played like fifteen times and hadn’t played in a while. He really put up a great challenge. I used some stock gambits against him at first, where I won after like six moves. It probably wasn’t that cool of me considering his level of ability. But the games we played, which went on for some time, were great matches. After that, we went to church together. He is pretty encouraging. When I am feeling like this I have a lot difficulty connecting my feelings to my words. I had a bit of difficulty expressing myself with him. He was very cool and patient. I want this so much. It’s been so safe holding in my feelings, keeping a lock and key on my heart. It’s been so safe not to confront the problems in my life because of fear and shame. Even though, the problems there created so many more problems. The feelings kind of piled up on themselves. I am going to tear down this wall around my identity. Continuation: I went shopping today for food. I got a bunch of fruit. I also got some treats and pastas. I was really triggered in the store. I’m not sure what caused the triggering but I just started tremoring. I believe I handled it very well in that while I was feeling like this, I still tried to be courteous and polite to the people in the store. My legs shook like a leaf. On the ride home, I couldn’t get my legs to stop shaking. The reason I think my shaking and body tension is physiological is that it is always triggered by emotional stress. When I am comfortable and relaxed, I feel fine and can stand strong. I’m not trying to be rude or difficult. It’s very painful and all of my attention focusses on it. I’m going to change my thought pattern. Right now, I am grateful for my roommate who seems to really want to help others. I am grateful for the fact that I have legs and for the amazing times when I feel relaxed and at peace with myself. I am grateful for the opportunity to help others when I can. I enjoy helping people. It’s sometimes difficult for me to offer help in physical ways. But I can help financially and emotionally as best I can. I am grateful for that opportunity. I am thankful that through the stress my body and mind are going through right now, for a chance to help others by telling my story. I know this will end well. Vulnerability is the answer. It had been the first day in a couple of days that I went to Mass today. It was emotional for me and I felt a deep peace afterwards. Day one of my abstinence complete. Haha. It matters to me. It’s difficult for me to stay this way when I am going through such periods of stress. Going to the gym tomorrow. I’ll go to Mass in the evening. A blessing upon your world tonight, for what it’s worth. I mean it sincerely. I have faith things will get better again.

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