Monday, August 22, 2016
May 23, 2016:
Yesterday afternoon, after playing golf with my buddy Spencer, I got home. I was very exhausted. My body is still getting used to the move, I think. I was very tired but didn’t want to sleep until at least 6pm. If I were to have gone to bed sooner, I would not have been able to sleep at night last night. I’m glad I went to bed when I did (6:30PM) because even though I woke up around 10pm, I was able to get back to sleep by 11 or 12 and slept through to 10 this morning. Anyways, yesterday afternoon when I returned from golf, I listened to worship music for the first time in some time on my computer. On my phone, I listen to it all of the time. But I am able to open up to the Spirit more when I am at home. For the first time in at least a month, I raised my hands and allowed the emotions to overpower me. I listened to worship music for like an hour. I felt such joy. It was the first time I raised my hands like that in worship for a while. It felt very good! I guess the reason I had the inspiration to worship was because the other day, I went to an event hosted by an evangelist with a rather powerful testimony. It ended up being a bit different than what I thought it would be. But I learned a bit and I am glad that I went. I’ll speak a little more about that experience later in this entry. This point in time is a pretty stressful time for me. I’m proud that I have eliminated certain ways of coping with the stress I feel. I think I am coping pretty well. But, I’m being tempted a lot right now. I don’t know exactly what I have done that is wrong. When I feel that people are angry towards me or disappointed with me, I instantly assume that people are ridiculing what I am saying that I have been through or disbelieving me. This is traumatizing for reasons that I pray will be made known to you. I just want to apologize for being a bit defensive and even rude especially to people who are close to me. Yesterday, playing golf, I felt really weighed down. I feel as if most of the ways I could have been acting rudely were a result of physical discomfort and pain as opposed to a conscious decision to be rude. The night before, at my buddy Rob’s place, I was having a lot of difficulty. We were playing games and I think I was being tempted. I think I may have been a little abrasive towards my friends. Again, I am really stressed out with this stuff. This is not an excuse for poor behavior on my part. I don’t want my friends to have to put up with that or to be a burden to them. I will try to ground myself when I am playing games with them. I don’t want to lose them as friends. I am very grateful for them in my life. Naturally, the temptations of the evil one come more often when I am feeling weak and fatigued and in pain physically. I know I can overcome them. I have before and I will now. There’s this little shoe repair shop on Yonge just south of Cummer. I went in to see if they could fix my bag. It was an expensive bag. He told me to return the day after. He said he’d be able to fix the rip in the shoulder strap but the zipper he wouldn’t be able to. When I returned, he handed me practically a brand new bag. The strap and the zipper was completely fixed. He charged me like ten dollars. I was in a hurry. When I am in the area, I’ll return to thank him again. I will absolutely remember this place and recommend it to anyone. On Friday, I tried to smile at people as I caught their eye on the street. This made me feel really good about myself and I hope it made others feel positive as well. I realize it may be a little creepy seeing a man walking down the street, limping at times really badly, smiling at people he’s walking past. I’m trying to do it in the least creepy manner I am able. It hurts me when I walk and so sometimes, I can’t look up at people. But I am enjoying this and getting a lot from it as I hope I am helping to brighten people’s days. Earlier, I mentioned the fact that I am being defensive. I don’t think I have said anything rude to people in my day to day activities. I just want to remember how very far I have come. And be thankful that while I can, I have the opportunity to brighten others’ days as well. I want to do the same with my friends. I’ve learned that I censor my true self, his opinions, beliefs and character. So long over my life, I’ve been pushed down, beaten and humiliated for being a person. I need to feel like I’ve the right to anything. And I mean that. I need to feel as though I have the right to do anything that other people do. I wasn’t going to write what I am about to write but I feel I owe it to myself because I don’t want to roll over any more. You can say what you want. I am blessed and very thankful to have the life I have. This is my life. It’s important to me. I may not have treated my life with much respect over most of it. I didn’t have much respect for who I was until I accepted His love and grace and finally started to confront the issues in my past. And what happened in my past wasn’t right. What happened in my past was definitely the reason I treated myself with disrespect. This is my story. It’s real. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. I had a pretty serious injury. But woke up with perfect recollection. What I want you to see is that none of this is about vengeance or spite. Absolutely a reason I am doing this is to give people hope and exemplify that this sort of behavior is wrong. But also that there is forgiveness and hope after. True healing cannot begin until you see your value. We have to have love for self. If we do not learn to love ourselves as creatures of God, especially if we are given the opportunity to live into adulthood, how can we love our souls? We need to value what we are trying to save. This is where Christ comes in. Christ offers us that love. Knowing and believing in the truth of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is above me. He has authority over my life. He will lead me perfectly home. I trust that. And I trust Him. I went for coffee at Tim Hortons a couple of day ago. I was in the line and a woman cut in front of me. I told her, in a nice tone, that I was in the line before her. After this, she snuck ahead of me again. I was about to submit but decided to tell her again that I was in the line first. I’m not regretful that I did this. Because I am learning to love myself. There is nothing loving in being completely submissive. That is neither loving to yourself or the person to whom you are submitting. “I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity.” This particular instance, with the coffee, I feel badly about but I am not upset for standing up for myself. I am only learning to love my physical self. Many people experience this love and nourishment at an age where it is able to become part of their identities. I’m sorry if I have been a bit over the edge in my learning this. What I can say is that I am grateful I am learning it now before it’s too late. I went to an event hosted by an evangelist with a powerful testimony a couple of days ago. I didn’t agree with everything he had to say. But, there’s a lot I did agree with. Especially, I feel that truth could be spoken with love. I realize I am not one to hark on that insight. I realize that I have spoken much of what I know for truth with a pointed edge. But, there is something that hinders others when we do not approach an issue that we know more about than someone else, from a perspective of love. I don’t think I realized what the event was. I am thankful for the experience. This is in refute to a claim he made that religious spirits are evil (paraphrase): Religion isn’t necessarily bad. But the perspective that works OVER grace saves. Works are beneficial and show your love. Apostolic authority should not overrule Scripture. Catholicism isn’t the only way to worship. Tradition. If Scripture was inspired, what’s to say that human and institutional systems weren’t also? There is a lot of corruption. That’s not what I’m talking about. I like the tradition. Something in the fact that the Church has withstood the test of time. The event was hosted by an Evangelic group. I was being very observant as I was standing and worshipping with them. These are wonderful people. There is something very powerful about their faith. There is a need for unity in the Church, in the body of Christ. Devil places fear, lies and deception into the heart of the body of Christ. Who owns your house? Know your identity Conversate, walk and talk with God. My time is too important to listen to what satan says. Spiritual warfare is not what’s thrown at you. It’s how you deal with it. Sucker punches happen. Get back up, quick! Power of prayer. Stay in the battle. Have to be more determined than satan. He’s already defeated. Situations, because we stop doing it, being a part of it, doesn’t mean it is over. We need to address, confront and repent for satan to not have an open doorway. Foundation of fear: reason I have to do this for self. Don’t judge by appearance. Judge righteous judgement. What’s on the outside is not always a clear indication of Truth. If you listen to anything I say, hear that. Especially in these days. I guess that the biggest thing I took away from the service was the fact that just because we stop doing something, being a part of something doesn’t mean it’s over. It gave me insight into the fact that the situation caused by my abusers is not over. They still control a big part of my life through suffering, fear and shame. I’m a good person. I am suffering. This is one of the many reasons I have to address, confront the situation and have always had to. But for my healing, for their healing, I need to confront it. As a reminder of the life that I am saving. That I absolutely have value apart from the negative experiences: I have: The love of Jesus Christ guiding me, Graduated college, Graduated university, Had a paper published, Gotten an A+, Traveled to Iceland, Swam in a geothermal spa, Got my license, Bought a car, Written a book, Survived a terrible head injury, Relearned how to walk, Met two prime ministers, Movie made about me, Driven across Canada, Driven to Florida, Spent a week in a monastery, Spent a week in silence, Gotten baptized, Learned another language, Had someone tell me they love me and mean it. Told someone I loved them and meant it, Spent a week in the mountains, Learn how to play the harmonica, Kept a plant alive now for over a year, Lost 70 lbs, Quit smoking, Quit pornography, Write a memoir, Swam in the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico, Connected with a dolphin, Visited the Hemingway house in Key West, Witnessed a meteor shower, Played golf with a friend, Held a baby, Crossed the Arctic Circle, Learn chess, Given a friend in need money, Given a homeless person a sandwich from Subway, Developed my faith, Played harmonica in front of an audience, Used my traumatic experience to help others overcome their own. Befriend a stranger, Purchased someone’s groceries, Gone camping with friends, Experienced a sunrise and a sunset, Made friends with a chipmunk, Plant a tree and watched it grow, Publicly speak to over 500 people, Featured in the media, Learned how to meditate, Become vegetarian, Gotten an eagle at golf, Painted a picture of our Lord Jesus Christ, Started a company offering a service, Read the Holy Bible, Painted over 100 paintings myself, Learned how to pray the Rosary, Conquered a bunch of fears, Experienced out of body, Chosen to forgive people who hurt me, Donated to the food drive in Sault Ste Marie, Saved a baby bird, Ride a rollercoaster, Met Sarah Mclachlan, Driven a jet ski, Painted a self-portrait, Witnessed one of the World Series Games of the Jays, Organized a party for a friend’s graduation, Gotten in contact with my birth mother, Witnessed a space shuttle launch, See a lunar eclipse, Study Astronomy, Get passionate about a cause and actually do something about it, Stood up for myself and what is right, Given to charity and others anonymously, Kept a list of gratitude for over a year, Committed to working out and health for over a year, Was an RA at college residence, Completely fast for over a week, Raw food fast for forty days, Abstinence for over 20 days, Shot a gun, Built a website, Learn to kayak, See a glacier, Saw a volcano, Helped a baby puffin, Accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, My identity is not in the culmination of the effects of that brain injury. Nor is it in the culmination of abuses that I was subject to.