Monday, August 22, 2016
April 2, 2016:
Today, I went to Mass at 5PM. I didn’t take part in Communion today. I felt a conviction that I should not take part today. When I returned home, I said the Holy Rosary after offering a personal intention and a prayer. Afterward, I started a painting I am doing. I’ll finish the rest tomorrow. All I want to say here is that I deserve this. I am worthy of love, happiness and success. The end of this battle is written out for us: love wins. I’ve said a couple of things here over the past few days. I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I am not giving up. Perhaps I am writing this selfishly. I want myself to know, because after all this is my journal and list of gratitude that I cherish the person who I am. I want myself to acknowledge the patient love that God has had for me. I am grateful for my inner child tonight. I am grateful for everything he got me through and is still fighting against. I don’t deserve a lot of things. Especially God’s forgiveness and grace. I feel very blessed and proud in God to be able to serve Him. Still, I feel that I’ve let Him down a lot. I feel that I have let you down a lot. I am going to change. When I got back from Florida in 2013, I drove to parks where I was in the Word for hours each day. Though, I feel that this is not necessary to the extent I was doing it, the effects, spiritually and emotionally were very noticeable for me. I am going to read more of the Word every day. I am going to do this for me. Because my soul deserves it. I’m going to remain abstinent. At a point, I am going to abstain from technology. The reason I say that one at a point is because that is probably going to be the most difficult one. It’s something I have wanted to do for a while now. Just because I remember fondly my time at the monastery in Georgia where I disconnected and got in touch with nature. It was very wonderful. I am going to do this soon. I am going to continue to go to Mass daily. I’ve been now for the past week every day. I’ve noticed a marked difference in my ability to remain prudent even through my traumatic reactions and pain. Mostly what I feel after Mass is joy and peace. I want to show people how much love there is in my heart. I don’t know how much time I have left. What I do know is that I want to make the best of the time remaining. Peace.