Monday, August 22, 2016

March 19, 2016:

Today, I just want to write a quick note regarding the day. I went to community confession this evening. The priest was really compassionate and understanding. He reminded me that there is nothing for me to hide – that there is humility in the fact that we are all sinners. I told him this was my first time in confession so he encouraged me. I told him about my background and what had happened to me in my life. It was such a powerful feeling and enormous relief. I really felt like I was in shock. As he said the words, I absolve you of your sins, I just felt so encouraged. And it was very humbling and encouraging for me to hear these words. This evening when I got in, I did what the priest had instructed, including praying for the people who hurt me, for their repentance, that they would see the truth of their actions. My RCIA leader told me after that I can go in any time. I found this so encouraging. I guess the reason I am writing about this is because I have not given up yet. I am learning through this process and through my faith that was already strong, how loved I truly am. I am learning that I have a great father, one that can be trusted, loved and who loves absolutely unconditionally. I’m committing wholeheartedly to purify my life. There are a lot of elements of my life, things I do to mask and cope with pain. I intend to eliminate these things from my life and continue to replace them with positive ways to cope. I just have to remember and remind myself that I deserve to have fun as well and that I have to be forgiving for the person I am. I can be forgiving on myself because I am forgiven in the eyes of God. I recognize the amazing gift of humility that contrition brings. I am committing to this for myself. I don’t expect anyone to believe me. I know I have said this before. But I think I have proven that I am very motivated, after fasting for periods of up to forty days. If you question how I did it, with the protein, which by the way was still tough, try being sexually abstinent for thirty plus days! Believe when there is a reason to believe. But I am not going to give up. It’s tough for me to see how what I do has an influence on anybody, because I feel worthless. There is a reason I feel the way I do and have so much difficulty. I just want you to know, whatever the situation is now, I am not giving up.

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