April 17, 2016:

A couple of days ago, after I wrote my last post, I went to the offices of the church I was at and asked if I could see a priest for confession. A visiting priest from Quebec was able to see me for a minute. I told him what I was feeling. How I was trying so hard to forgive my abusers. But that there was no acknowledgement or repentance. I told him that it had caused a quandary or dilemma in my soul. Scripturally, I understood what is written. But this is pure evil and pure darkness. I’m left only imagining what life could have been had I disclosed at particular points in time along the course of my life. This is not what I am focussing on. I have faith and my faith will not be shaken. This is the life I have lived and I am very proud of it. In spite of the fact that I know I could have trusted more, loved more and done things differently. I told him that I was very upset about what had happened to me as well as some stuff that was happening at the time. Honestly, I cannot entirely explain how this is affecting me. He offered me some kind words and told me that if people were resolved not to acknowledge something, no matter what you do, nothing’s going to change their mind. He prayed for me and those who have hurt me. Before we parted, I asked him if I could confess something. I told him about the situation a few days earlier at my neophyte Mass where I approached the Cardinal, interrupting his greeting of the children, to shake his hand. I told him that I felt badly, thinking back on this that I had distracted him from greeting children. But that I was very excited to meet him, feeling a bit of anxiety. The priest prayed for me and I thanked him and left. That evening, I went to my friend Rob’s place where a bunch of my friends played poker. One thing I am noticing is that as I am recovering/growing my spirituality by attending Mass daily and reading Scripture daily, I feel as if I am better able to witness to the great love that has been offered me. I feel as though I was prudent with my friends. In the past, I would have a good time but wouldn’t always think about what I wanted to say. I would do this because I was having so much fun. Anyways, Friday night, I was more collected and at peace internally while still having a great time and happy. I have so much to look forward to. Not to diminish the happiness I feel with my friends, it pales in comparison to the sheer joy that awaits. I am confident in my eternal salvation. I am sure of the promise that has been made for us. I know for a point of fact that I am the least to deserve this great love and deed that has been done for me. I can only offer my gratitude and works of thanksgiving and praise and worship and charity and mercy through love. Tonight, Saturday, I went to Mass. I sang in the choir again today. I’ve got to admit, I’m feeling, or at least today felt very insecure. I know that confidence is what is holding me back. I’ll keep going. It’s enjoyable and is a good and faithful way for me to serve. In spite of the fact that I felt like today I wasn’t doing a very good job. After Mass, there was bingo night in the church. Some of the sisters who also sing in the choir came and sat with me. It was a lot of fun. I haven’t played bingo since I was in like grade 7! The very last game, I got the whole card so got the bingo! I won ten dollars. I’ll donate it to the church tomorrow at Mass. A lot of fun. I’m really enjoying the community there. Before I went to Mass, I went to the shoe store where I bought a nice pair of shoes. They’re chafing a bit but I’ll get used to them. Anyways, at the shoe store, I saw a man with whom I went to church in Markham. He also was on the assimilation team but on a different day. I know him and his wife well enough to say hi. So after I recognized him, I said hi and we had a nice conversation. He asked about me and how I was doing at my new church. It was very nice to see him. I hope to see them again. After this, I had a pull in my heart to stop at the Christian bookshop at Yonge and Finch. When I entered, the owner, who I have met before, came and started speaking to me. I’ve spoken with him before and know a bit about his family. He also goes to the church I used to go to. Just a different chapter. We spoke for a bit. I was happy to hear he just returned from a Gospel oriented conference and I bought a couple of books. I went to Starbucks afterwards where I started thinking and reflecting about my old church. It was such a beautiful place of worship. I just hope I didn’t offend anyone by leaving the way I did. I’m following my heart. And I have to say that I am very happy where I am now and proud of the position I have been led to. But I want my old church to know how much I value them and that I never intended to hurt them. God knows, what would have happened had I have been able to trust earlier. In spite of this, I’ve followed a path I know to be true to my heart. I will repeat that I have spiritual insight and not certainty. Keeping going with my fast. I’ve slipped up a few times but am not going to give up. Today, I am grateful for the fact that I am saved. I’m also very grateful for my new community at church. I’ll be moving in the next couple of weeks. I feel as though I am being very pleasant to people in my day to day life. I have written it before, but want to write it again to remind, if anyone’s reading this at any point: walking is painful and requires a great amount of concentration for me. This is why I sometimes don’t look at people when walking past them. Otherwise, I would smile. And I do, often, when walking is easier for me: when I have had sleep and am feeling relaxed, confident. I’m praying over a decision that I feel I have to make right now. It’s a stressful situation. Spiritual insight and not certainty. All I can do is follow my heart. It’s not intentional. A doubt sown in the heart is the cause of a lot of trouble. I’ve followed what I know to be true. But I have done so along a path that I am not entirely proud of because the path I have chosen may have hurt feelings along the way. Having gone through injustice and hurt a lot over my life, I know the values of a person’s feelings. Though, this is not the absolute of a circumstance, because at the end of the day, we can recover quite easily from hurt feelings. Still, I see the effect that can have on a child, someone who is still growing in every way. And I see the effect something as simple as being hurt emotionally can affect them in their futures. There’s something profound to be said about that. I’m rambling. What I want to say is that I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. I know I have offended a lot of people. Merited, I will stand by the fact that a lot of what I am doing that others may find offensive at times, are defence mechanisms and not intended as hostility or defensiveness. But, I am going to tell the truth. There may be some things I have done intentionally and with deliberation that have sincerely offended others. If I have, God knows how incredibly sorry I am. I know there are some paths I could have traveled down that I didn’t, some paths I traveled down that I shouldn’t have. I know I could have trusted sooner. And I would not rather be in a place contrary to where I am now. I could be. I’ll not deny the promises that God has made me. If I regret anything in my life, it’s only the fact that I have had such difficulty, with good reason, in trusting my God. In spite of this, I find myself where I am now, in the position in which I now am and I am very grateful. I look at the abuses that I had to endure, the assault, the fact that I had to relearn everything and I am very grateful. I am grateful that I have come as far as I have. I am just very sorry if I have hurt anyone along the way with the deliberate choices I have made and my intentional actions and words.