May 3, 2016:

I put some more bird seed out last night. I’m really enjoying my new place. I called the police today. For most of my life, I never really had many good memories. It really only felt like a curtain that was in front of my conscious recollection of anything concrete. The memories were there, good memories as well as the memories of abuse and darker recollections. It’s like my mind was forcing myself not to think about any of them. Later, it would become clear that this was a defence mechanism I had created in childhood to avoid feeling the pain of being abused. An example: I always remembered what some of my abusers did. But I very much minimized the significance of what happened. I’d tell myself stuff like ‘everybody goes through stuff like this’ or ‘I liked it too. It’s partly my fault.’ At first, I denied that what they would do was abuse. Because of that latter thought. Then, shortly after I ‘saw the light’ metaphorically but also, very literally, I started having realizations, connecting dots about what had happened to me. I never confronted this. Now that I am confronting it, I am feeling that now, more than ever, it is so important for me to be able to build a foundation upon which I can work from. I am going to start remembering good memories and meditating on them. My life is a lot more than negative experiences. And I want to start living good experiences. To do that, I have to feel good about myself, who I am. I can never replace a childhood that is filled with love and care. But I can change the way I relate to that past. For the past couple of days since I moved in to my new place, I have been ordering pizzas. I’ve been doing this because of exhaustion, literally. And also because I am still getting familiar with the place. I started feeling like crap. Last night I went grocery shopping where I stocked up on fruits and tomatoes. This morning I went to the bagel place I like going to and I got a salad built from spinach, corn, strawberries, beets and tomatoes. I am feeling really great right now. We have to treat our bodies and minds well. We have to love ourselves. This is the foundation from which we build outward. Things to ask for: Corroboration, Forgiveness, Another chance, Grace to accept what God wants for me and courage to do what is right. The best for this world. That they can rejoice and experience joy and peace. Continuation: I’m feeling exhausted. My body is not working properly. I’m having a bit of difficulty walking. Nothing is working together. But I recognize things can be worse. I am hardly complaining. In the full picture, I have so much to be thankful for. It’s really difficult for me to know people are upset with me and not know why. It’s shaming and my first instinct is to think it’s because of something about who I am as a person. Think I am handling this very well. My own problem. One I hope to confront very soon, the larger theme of shame, which I have faith will calm soon. I’ll realize, in my heart as well as in my mind that what they did to me was not my fault. Things are not always the way they seem. There’s often much more to the picture than what is on the surface. I went to Mass today, feeling pretty rough. Earlier, on the bus, I was quite agitated. I think I did a good job controlling my feelings. About half way through the Mass, during the reading of the Gospel, I felt such a peace. And my soul was calmed. However rough I feel, I will always stand for the truth. I am going to overcome. I believe very strongly that this will end well.