Monday, August 22, 2016
January 12, 2016:
I was feeling really overwhelmed today. Just overtaken by my feelings. I had a couple of provoking moments where people did things to upset me. I realized that it was not about me, that they were simply reacting as well. So I didn’t say anything. I don’t like to label myself and I am feeling very liberated in most ways, but the effects still haunt me at times: I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from the childhood traumas that were compounded by the injury I sustained. This makes my feelings and thoughts overwhelming at times. I also have a lot of flashbacks. Though everything has gotten so much better than what it was, it’s not something that goes away overnight. In spite of this, I think that today, I was able to control myself very well. I caught myself a couple of times assessing others to gauge their perceptions of me. But for the most part, I don’t feel as though I responded in a defensive way to anybody. As the day progressed, I calmed down. I want people to know, when I feel like this, I’m not trying to upset people. It’s a bit frustrating for me because when I react, I’m not reacting to anyone. More than anything, I am acting inwardly. In any case, I feel I controlled myself well. I know this mustn’t make sense to you fully. My only hope is that it would be made clear to you how serious these crimes are. I have to keep trying. This is my life. I will not give up. When you look at my character, please don’t see the reaction as my identity. “If I have to boast about anything, it would surely be that in face of everything that has significantly hurt me or, which had the potential to significantly hurt me over the course of my life, I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity.” My fast is going well. I’ve got an appointment for fascial stretching tomorrow at the gym. I will do a workout when I am there. Practiced a bit of harmonica this morning. Wait for tomorrow. I will be a different person.