June 8, 2016:

A couple of days ago, my day began and I got on the bus. I turned on my cell phone and at first got my normal back drop screen. I locked it only to open it up again a moment later. I have an app on my phone called Daily identity in Christ. This app was opened without my opening it and on the screen was the verse Romans 8:39. I found this intriguing to say the least. After reading the verse, I felt joy and assurance. “Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). This made me really reflect over the life that I have lived. I don’t think that anyone can argue against that I have had a difficult life. Regardless of how bad things get, I am choosing to be grateful, knowing for a fact that God has loved me greatly, sacrificing a lot for me and everyone else. I know I will be rewarded according to what I deserve in accord with the truth. This afternoon, I had lunch with my roommate after which I left the house. I was seated on the steps outside when a woman walking a little pug dog walked past me. I smiled at the woman and as she walked away from me, the dog just kept trying to get over to me. She allowed it to walk to me and it came next to me and stood for me to pet it. Then, I spoke with the woman for a minute. The dog just sat in front of me. This made me feel so amazing. I know it’s a dog but it was really nice to feel that. It reminded me that I deserve love and that just because I was shown terrible things about myself through sexual behavior, in violent ways, I do deserve to be shown respect and love. I went to church afterwards. I feel I should go to confession. I will do this on Saturday. Saw a meme today saying that if something’s of God, it comes smoothly. If it’s not, there is a lot of confusion surrounding it. Though there are examples of that in Scripture, like the life of King David, most prophets of God live lives of struggle and tumult. The Apostles knew this well. We are meant to carry our Cross daily. Though God only intended the early years of my life to be difficult, I have continued to struggle because of disobedience. And that I was not able to overcome during that coma. I don’t deserve what is happening right now. None of you do. I hope they are able to accept the truth when it comes easily. “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:24,25). I just want to assure you with my conscience that I am not lying. My conscience through the Spirit of God confirms it. And I will stand by the Truth of Jesus Christ until the end. I am going to the gym again this evening. I intend to vent all of my frustration that arises on the punching bag. I intend to get healthy again, as I have shown I have the dedication to myself before. I deserve that. Need to remember to stay vulnerable. I need to fight for myself. Knowing what I have been through. And that I am taking the initiative to confess my past behavior. Knowing what I have been through.