Monday, August 22, 2016

May 4, 2016:

I want to do the right thing. Not only for me. I have to be able to empathize with you, with the reaction you are expressing. I have to have the right within myself, at the right time, to choose how to respond. I want you to know that I am not looking for vengeance. I’m not even looking for justice. I am looking for the truth to be revealed. I can’t tell you, I couldn’t possibly expect you to understand how I am feeling. What it has felt like to be in my position. How very much, in my heart, I have suffered with this shame. Shame that was from so much more than simply the abuses, rapes and molestations. I can’t tell you how it felt being in my position, after such a serious injury, having the injustices replayed just in different ways. A lot of the time I feel like I was such a horrible person for even questioning my abusers. I feel as though I don’t have the right. Realizing that this belief was built from shame, from the silencing. When the foundation is destroyed of a house, it’s difficult to rebuild regardless of how much cement you apply to the base. On top of the deep shame from my young years. I guess I have to know in my heart, not only in my mind, that it wasn’t my fault. This is the reason I am having such difficulty accepting the graces and gifts that are ever present before me. It’s because, even though consciously, I know my worth and worth in God, my heart is so weighed down and so burdened by everything that has happened. I believe in my heart that this will end well. I hardly want people to feel sorry for me. I am finally standing up for myself and my right to live. This is where I stand up for myself. Only productivity moving forward. Please keep faith.

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