June 9, 2016:

Continuation: I went to the casino today. It is 8PM and I am going home. I managed to make a couple hundred dollars. Walking away at this time in the day and up makes me feel good. I was smiling all the way onto the bus. In part because I was anxious I would miss the bus. But also because I had the feeling that it was productive. I feel this becoming habit again and I am going to be careful about that. I’m not going to say that this is going to be the last time I will go. Only that I intend to be more frugal. This is one thing that trading commodities and futures is really teaching me. Showing me how to manage my money and the desire to profit. When I was at the poker table, a really beautiful Asian woman sat down next to me. She smiled at me and the game continued for a while. After a bit, I started to comment on her hands and make small talk. She was very responsive and smiled and laughed a lot. I’m not under the illusion that this was going anywhere. But, this connection made me feel alive for a moment. It was the first time in a while that I actually acknowledged my feelings of intimacy around a woman. It was the first time I didn’t cringe in triggering fear. It was beautiful. Today is going to be the final time for a while at least that I will do stuff like this. Tomorrow, I am going to start working out and fasting. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. I choose life. This is for myself. I am grateful today, as I am always, for my incredible friendships. I am thankful for the time and effort they put into being my friend. I’m trying pretty hard to be a good friend to them as well. I am very thankful for the ability to speak truth. Even if it’s self-harming. It is connected to a much bigger picture. Today, I am grateful for despair and darkness. Because it is in the darkness where we can learn to value and appreciate the light. It’s shaping, forming for us the glory, which God has prepared for us.