Monday, August 22, 2016

July, 2016:

I’m having a great day! I seem to have this desire to just smile. I went to church today at McCaul and prayed the Rosary afterwards. The theme for the Mass homily this week is based on readings from 1 Kings and the Gospel of Luke that are focussed on love and expressing it boldly. I am going to try very hard to incorporate this into my daily life. For I know that I need to humble myself a bit. You can have the sweetest voice and proclaim a very powerful message, but if you don’t have love, you are a clanging gong. I am working very hard. I promise this will not end badly. I need to remember the part of myself that is charitable and generous. I need to remember Christ. At the moment, it is pretty difficult to walk. I bought new shoes today. Had anyone seen my old shoes they would think they had been through battle. One of them at least. I am realizing, more clearly, the fact that my sexuality is filled with shame. I met with my counselor at the Gatehouse today. I realized after telling him some stuff just how deep the shame runs for me. I told him about a memory I have scarce shared with anyone, which makes me feel shame on two accounts. First, that I should be the victim of this sort of crime. And second, that I should be at an age where I should have been able to protect myself, but was completely incapacitated. I corrected a few thoughts I had after this. That I should not feel badly for wanting intimacy, passion and pleasure in my body. The concept and feelings surrounding sexuality are very hurt. In that I am afraid of allowing myself to be vulnerable completely because of the abusive nature with which all of those feelings, perceived to me, were allowed to break out of control. I realized also, with his help that after what I have been through and with what I am up against, I am doing pretty well. It may not seem like it. But I think I am doing very well. I’m still feeling pretty great about myself. I have a lot to thank for that. Most of all, I am just changing my perspective. You don’t have to be always happy to be grateful. You can be grateful in stressful times too. Praise God for life. I choose life. I choose light. I regret that I didn’t feel worthy enough to live to my potential earlier. And that I was not able to love. And that I was unable to start healing sooner. I regret that I was unable to overcome because I didn’t feel worthy of life, love and hope. By God, I will.

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