Monday, August 22, 2016
February 23, 2016:
I went to the gym yesterday. Did a full body workout. Spent some time in the pool. I have started to rewrite the novel I wrote in my last year of university. It’s called “Beautiful/Radio Silences”. It’s a dream allegory, which places an offender of violent crime into the shoes of his victim after the violent crime against him. I am trying to make it a bit more readable by incorporating some reality into it. I figure the reader deserves to have a happy story as well so I am placing the two stories (the victim’s and the offender’s) into it. In order to juxtapose them. I’m drawing a lot from my own experiences to write it. Which was the same then, when I wrote it initially as it is now. Just, now I am drawing on more positive experiences. There was a purpose to the negativity as to the way the initial book was written. Otherwise, the offender wouldn’t have gotten the idea. It will be good this way I think. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. It’s obvious that what I am expecting of the Father is pretty big. I admit myself that I am expecting a lot from God. I speak only what I have heard and so will continue to trust. It is really getting very discouraging for me to continue to fail like this. When I get discouraged I lose heart, find myself getting depressed and am tempted to sin. I know that I am not a bad person. And if I ever had a bad intent, it was because of what I was going through. This was all happening to me even before God’s angels came to me. I find myself asking how anyone could have done this on their own, with absolutely no committed, solid help, for so long. I am impressed with myself. I want you to know that I will keep faith until the end. Continuation: I had what evolved into a pretty difficult day. I don’t have much prepared to say about what I was experiencing today. I just know that I have something to say. Nothing serious even happened. A few people gave me bad looks. A guy in the mall mocked me. I think I handled it really well. In the sense that I remained composed and didn’t say anything. I have to say though that I am exhausted. I am really struggling. I want so much to do the right thing. And God knows, I will do the right thing. I know what I deserve. Naturally. And I know I deserve nothing from your world. Asking you to have mercy and understanding. I want you to know how hard I am trying. I want you to know how much this hurts. Not because I want sympathy, pity or even help. I just want you to know how this has all affected me. I have faith in my God, that He will redeem me at the end. I have faith God will glorify me as I deserve. I know what I have been through. I know God has seen that too. And what I have been through is not an excuse. It is a reason. There are always reasons. There are reasons for everything we do. Everything. The traumatized mind and body have ways of avoiding or confronting that trauma. Even if it doesn’t make sense to us. It makes sense in a way. I have only told the truth. Nothing was meant to happen like this. I was meant to be at rest. This is exhausting. I am continually looking forward to ways that I can better myself, continually keeping positive attitude. Christ will give me strength to overcome this. I will not give up. And I know he will make clear to your world why I struggled so much. I am so sorry for the way I react. Please know that there is a reason I am acting this way. And it just might make sense. I am sorry that this is taking so long. I am not crazy. Please know that it literally tears me up that I am affecting people in a negative way. I am learning to love myself and see myself through the eyes of people who love me and not through the eyes of those who only want to hurt me. I often feel the need to remind myself that I am not doing that badly. I am actually doing pretty well. I am realizing that I cannot be perfect. And to accept myself for that imperfection. But that perfection is my goal. I am not done yet. Please keep faith. Again, not in me. Keep faith in the God of love and peace. At the end of my day, it was nice to come home to a made bed. The darkness is very strong. Lies and deceit are very manipulative. Lies, darkness and evil will not rule forever. Regardless of how powerful, convincing or appealing lies and darkness can be, it doesn’t change what they are. Lies are lies. Darkness is darkness. Truth always rules over deception. Light always overcomes darkness. There is a light. And light will be revealed. All that is concealed will be revealed. All that is hidden will be disclosed. Keep faith.