Monday, August 22, 2016

April 28, 2016:

I’ve had a great couple of days. Stressful in a lot of ways but generally, very productive. I had my meeting at the Gatehouse yesterday. It went well. However, I am realizing I have a lot of healing left to do myself. I was about to break down crying while we were doing our material on the inner child. We did a meditation and it was pretty rough. I held back because I wanted to seem like I had everything together for the guys in the group. Afterwards, my co facilitator reminded me that it’s not brave to hide your emotions. It’s brave to embrace them. This is what I believe. During my conversation with the co facilitator, after the group, I spoke to him a bit about why I was taking my case further. After he placed a few questions before me about what could go wrong, whether I am prepared for the outcome if it’s not what I expect, I told him that in addition to being worried about the wellbeing of children, I also feel the drive to stand up for myself once in my life. Let me explain: Standing up for yourself and vengeance are two separate things. God instituted an earthly justice system for a reason. God desires earthly justice. There is a reason He instituted governmental justice systems. Children and innocent creatures do not deserve to be hurt. I have to do what I feel is right. I hope at a point this will make sense to you. I have never had a true opportunity to stand up for myself in my life. The injustices in my life extend back to my infancy and as I grew, I continued choosing to love they who were hurting me, to turn my cheek in love and mercy. I have to stand up for myself against this. For the fact that I did not deserve it. It’s not about trumping trauma. It’s a psychological fact that there are contributing factors, which make an injury or a series of injuries for lack of a better word, more traumatic. I don’t want to compare my trauma to others because I respect that everyone is going through sincere pain and hurt. Just because people have discussions around you does not mean that you agree with them about what they’re saying. A person can disagree with something about another yet still respect them as human beings. Somethings written in the Bible might seem harsh today. There are some truths that are written for a reason. We need to be compassionate and have empathy. We don’t have to hold signs and protest others rights to happiness. We must respond in love to everything. We can disagree with one’s lifestyle yet still respect everything else about them. Absolutely, some of the people I know from this organization (the support group for child sexual abuse survivors) are some of the bravest, kindest, most genuine and dare I say, strongest people I know. Personally, I feel this love should go both ways though. There is no reason to be angry with each other. Keep perspective. Please do not simply write off what I have to say because I have had other injuries. Today was great too. I woke up and finished packing and waited for the moving company. When they came, moving took like an hour and a bit. Still, I was exhausted from packing and helping out with the actual moving. They offered me a very reasonable price. It was actually really cool of them. They charged me under their hourly rate. I can’t remember the name of the company but will call the mover again to find out. I feel bad because I didn’t give them a great tip. I should have been prepared. A couple of days after, I texted one of the guys who helped me move and asked him if I could write a review for their company. I did that a while after. After moving, I went to Mass. Oh man, I was so exhausted. It was really good for me to go to Mass. It’s not just in the good times we should strive to strengthen our faiths. Prior to going, I was busy setting up my furniture. My legs are pretty sore from the position they were in setting this stuff up. Anyways, I’m not going to complain. I have an awesome life and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to speak up for myself and my right to live, to exist and to be loved. I am still thinking about my experiences on the EdgeWalk. Amazing time! God bless.

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