May 31, 2016:

I am feeling very strong and empowered today. Saturday was a great day. I played golf with my friend Eric in the early afternoon at a city course. I played pretty rough on the front nine and then did really well on the back nine. Eric played well too. We both had some amazing shots. The other guy we played with was really cool. He played well too. Later that night, I was invited to my buddy Rob’s place to play board games. I’ve missed a couple of days. So I have a bit to fill in on, journal. Last week or so, I called the cemetery I knew my grandmother was buried at. I was so happy when I found her grave. I had been praying about this for some time and wanting to visit for a while. Last Friday, in the evening I went to the cemetery. I brought a folding chair because I had planned to spend some time there. I also brought bird seed. When I was dropped off at the section and row where she was, I got out. I walked up and down the row two or three times, looking for her. I wasn’t able to find her grave. By this point, I was disappointed, imagining the operator at the cemetery to have given me the wrong location when I called. I went back up again the row. Maybe I’d missed it somehow. So, in an empty site, I unfolded the chair and sat. I prayed the Our Father and then simply sat and allowed myself to remember her. The memories I have of her, the concern and care. I remembered the good times and the bad. The love as well as the discipline. Which is a good thing. For love that is completely lucid, that doesn’t sternly direct and guide, is not love. I cried. I prayed the rosary after and laid some bird seed on the empty site. I walked away mourning. When I got to the street, I opened my chair and sat again. I called a cab. I had a conviction then to go back up and look in the row behind the one I was looking in. Lo, and behold, the fifth stone up, I found her grave. I was overjoyed. In a sorrowful way. I fell down next to the grave and wept for a minute. I prayed again for some time and then placed a bit of bird seed next to her grave and went back to wait for the cab. I got a call then, which told me that the cab was waiting for me but couldn’t enter the lot because the cemetery was closed. I grew anxious. It was getting dark. The cab said he was leaving. So I started walking toward the gate. Had this have happened in years past, I would have been terrified. At this point, it was night and I was locked in the cemetery. At the gate, I easily slid under and made arrangements for transport. I suppose I should have assumed that it would close. It was very worth it to spend over an hour with my beloved grandmother who, I believe, was there in spirit with me. I guess to understand some of this, you’d need to understand our relationship. She was such a beautiful soul. I miss her a lot. I had lunch with an elder at my old church last week as well. He is also very much a friend. His whole family have been so welcoming to me, having invited me over to special occasion dinners with their family. We had a nice lunch. But it became clearer to me the fact that I may have hurt the church in my leaving. He made it very clear to me that they missed me. I know I probably could have done this mission without leaving. I am sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. And my leaving certainly does not make you wrong or your faith less important. But I know I do not have to tell you that. I never meant to hurt anyone. Truth, when it comes will come in a way that is easy for you. I want to say that distance was an issue in my decision to leave. As well as the fact that living, or rather moving back to Markham was certainly not an option for me due to triggers and flashbacks of having lived there for much of my upbringing. I am, however, as I told my friend while I had lunch, finding family in my new church community. I am very grateful to have them and I believe that this has happened for a reason. That I have been guided to them. I don’t believe it was the wrong thing to do. I am always with you in the spirit. I am planning to return from time to time. Like I said, the friendships I formed at my old church were awesome. And I firmly believe that letting the Word fill my heart each day that I went there, strengthened my faith and gave me a strong foundation from which to stand. Again, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t feel as if I am being kept up to date with what is happening right now. I am very convinced that what I have done is the right thing to have done. For I know, no one has to tell me that I too have done some bad things in my life. But that it was perpetuated. Facts aside, stress influences greatly our ability to think clearly. I told the truth. Only a small part of it. But I told the truth. That just by being a human being and loving, turning my cheek and forgiving repeatedly, I was abused so much. We have to help ourselves. I had a new realization a couple of days ago, which leads me to believe that I was hurt again after the injury that happened to me. I know it has come to this because I was not strong enough to trust sooner. I am absolutely not looking for recognition. I want to say this with the most gentleness as I can: Don’t be deceived. Don’t be deceived by appeal to emotion. I’m sure the emotions are very real. It doesn’t change what happened. This may not make entire sense right now. I will keep encouraging. I have to follow my heart and what I believe very strongly is the right thing to do. Wait for truth. If it’s of God, truth will be revealed. The right thing will happen. The darkness is very strong right now. The symptoms (symptoms and not character traits – in most of us) speak for themselves. Truth will be revealed. Without truth, what effect will my forgiveness have? I’m not going to give up. I love myself and I feel I am doing the right thing. Wait for truth… Just because it’s obscured right now, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I have faith God will glorify me as I deserve, in accord with the truth. I thank God for friends in times like these. No matter how bad things may get, I always have the love of Christ to fall back on. I’m going to the gym now. Feeling like I have abandoned myself in childhood by isolating myself from intimacy. With what I was going through. Area in my life I am very torn about. I cried a little last night at how sex was used so shamefully against me. I think it has to happen a lot, there has to be a lot of violations for a man to simply give up this human drive and need. It’s very much about trust and also about repulsion. Every time I get into a situation where I have the opportunity to be intimate, I’m triggered immediately back to something one of my abusers did. Mourning loss is healing. I am glad I was able to feel through this. I find myself procrastinating a lot when I am stressed out. When I feel stress I isolate myself and push away people who support and love, even things that would make me feel good. I’m pretty sure that this has a lot to do with the dynamics of love in my childhood and the way it was shown to me. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. We are not animals. Is a lion evil because it rips a gazelle to shreds? The difference is we have choice. On Sunday, on my way to church with my new roommate, I saw a mutual friend of mine and Michelle’s. We spoke for a minute on the street and then I wrote her on facebook after asking her what she was doing. She asked if I still spoke to Michelle. I told her every once in a while I speak to her on facebook too. She said she talked to Michelle recently and said she is doing well and enjoying herself in Australia. I miss her so much. It sounds silly because I didn’t know her that well. But she’s very important to me. I know that much definitely. I guess that knowing she was in Canada gave me the hope of having coffee with her when we were able to find time. Maybe something could have grown. Who knows? I seem to be making some money now. Hope to make it to Australia someday soon. I hope she knows how great a person she is. I’m just very glad she’s happy. I find the faith of my new roommate very inspiring. He’s a really cool guy and has an inspiring history. Last night, a guy at Yonge and Queen, riding his bike past me was shouting obscenities. I turned to look and he was looking at me. Moments earlier, I gave a woman seated on the sidewalk some money. I assumed that this guy was upset about this. I told him to have a pleasant day and continued walking. It still bothered me a bit. Then, at Finch bus terminal, I was walking out of the station when a guy smoking looked at me as I was walking and said, “What the fuck happened to you?” I asked him to repeat himself and he said the same thing. I just lowered my head and continued to walk. I guess I was a little reminded of the guy earlier that day and just assumed he was upset. At the street, I turned to look at him and he was staring at me intently, talking to himself and spitting. I offered him a thumbs up and continued to walk. Whatever way I look at it, he had no reason to be upset. Nor did I, nor could I have done anything to upset him. It was clearly his problem. I was confused and looked back as I was entering a building and he was still looking at me, talking to himself and spitting. I’m sure that this didn’t have to do with the fact that I just didn’t answer him. The way he asked threw me off. Genuinely interested people don’t ask questions like that. I don’t owe him a response. Use reason in judging things like these. It’s over. This is Truth: God is perfect; just, love, truth and peace. Satan, the father of lies offers only destruction. He is the one who leads men to sin, who leads men to kill each other and to lie. This is the struggle: the continual wrestle between sin and love. Sin is the destruction of mankind, we need to do everything we can to rid it from our lives. Because though God is an understanding God, He is perfectly holy and cannot be surrounded by sin. Life affects us all. Unprocessed suffering and pain hinders our desire to repent and no matter how much we try, if we are in places of hurt and sin, we cannot repent. But it is our responsibility to resolve the darkness in our lives. Because there is no excuse for sin. When I think of that, I see the idea more as being that God deserves better than that. God deserves our love, honor and worship. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. This is all very re-traumatizing for me. I’m finding myself feeling very censored and ashamed at the moment of my right to speak and have opinions. You know how I feel about what they did to me. In spite of this, I will be grateful and thankful, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. I don’t entirely know what I have done to upset people at the moment. I know I am doing the right thing in seeking accountability.