March 23, 2016:

This post, I am writing on the 24 of March but I will leave the header as the 23 because I want to start with how I was feeling yesterday. The day started very well. As it went on, it grew more and more clear that people were laughing at me. I noticed myself beginning to become uneasy and on the verge of reacting when I calmed myself with a couple of deep breaths. I called out to Jesus. Once I was calm, I wrote a bit in my journal. After this, I felt great. Sometimes all it takes to fix a day is expressing what’s on your heart; getting your voice back. Whether or not people are laughing at me is not in my control. I have told the truth about my life and experiences, some of which was pretty self-condemning. Again, there is a reason for this. I guess I just want to encourage you to see the positive. “In a world where every action, every word and every relationship are easily scrutinized and examined, it’s easy to see the negative in any situation. I think this is unique to the human race. But if you examine a human being for long enough, you will begin to think that its every move is about you. You will start to question why it is doing things, saying things and acting the way it is. Let’s see the positive in things. Let’s see the good things that are happening around us. It’s what I am trying to do too.” I’ve noticed something. The muscular atrophy (most certainly combined with the unwanted sexual assaults) have contributed to the development of my hips and legs becoming very tight and rigid. Sometimes, particularly when I am excited, anxious, tired or stressed, I find it difficult to stand stably. I really noticed this attentively at my buddy’s bachelor party a couple of days ago. We were at the casino and I was so anxious and excited that I accidentally bumped into a few people. I feel badly about this. I am pretty self-conscious. If I had control over it, I wouldn’t do it. I’ve noticed though, a number of people in my hometown who become cautious when walking around me. The first time I noticed it was on my way to the gym when at the corner of a street, I staggered back and looked back at the same time to see a young woman who anticipated this and also stepped back. I just want people to know that I am sorry that I do this. I’m working to alleviate the rigidness by stretching and strength training. I feel insecure. So, this last weekend was my buddy’s bachelor party. It was a great time. I was most happy when after getting home, I texted my buddy to see again if he had a good time and he responded, I had an amazing time! I was so glad we were able to give him a fun couple of days. These are all really good guys. Anyways, we went to the casino first. We play poker mostly. And when we got there, there was a two hour wait. I felt badly that I should have called ahead to be placed on the list. While we waited though, the groom to be put ten dollars into a slot machine, was down to his last dollar fifty. He max betted with the dollar fifty and hit the jackpot for five hundred dollars! What a great start to the night for him. After that we went to a restaurant called Taps on Queen. Really nice restaurant. For sake of the bachelor party, I won’t get into details about the rest of the night. We went back to the casino the day after, after breakfast. I gave another friend $100. He was able to make a bit of money. Rob, the groom to be made a lot of money too! I walked away from the casino both days, positive $800. A bit at poker. I had two big slot machine wins. First day, I put a hundred in to one and made $450. Second day, I put forty dollars in and made $440. Still, I realize that I will not always have that kind of luck. There was something in the air for all of us that day. Today has been a nice day. I went to the shoe store in the morning and bought a great pair of shoes. There was freezing rain last night so it’s difficult to walk. This morning at Yonge and Finch, there was a group of young Jewish guys walking by. One of them turned to me and said, “Happy Purim!” When it registered he was talking to me and what Purim was, he smiled at me and I smiled back. It was nice. I was watching on YouTube over the past couple of days some very nice videos on Muslim charity, where Muslim men and women have gone out and brought food to homeless and less fortunate. Another video about a Mosque who got together and raised funds for a Southern Baptist church after there was a shooting that happened there. This is what we all need to be doing. What I am against is hate. The charity is wonderful. There is good and a lot of genuine love in every religion in the world. It reminded me of Purim. We need more of this charity and goodness. Please don’t allow yourself to be blinded by this world, by the darkness, by lies and by suffering. There are a lot of really good people in the world from every religion. Most people are good and loving. The evil will not triumph forever. Don’t forget compassion. Later this evening, I went to Holy Thursday Mass. I went a bit early and prayed the Rosary. Tomorrow, I am going to Good Friday Mass. It’s a solemn time. But on Sunday we rejoice! My buddy Rob is getting married late in the afternoon and right after that I am going to my Confirmation. We had rehearsal a couple of days ago. It’s all very exciting! I have committed to being clean for the past twenty days. It’s a personal process, derived from Scripture where I only allow myself sexual release once every three days. That may sound like a little to most. But to someone who has been sexually traumatized, it’s pretty difficult. I’ve been doing this so that I can develop temperance again. I have been ordering food every once in a while but for the most part, I am starting to get control of my diet again. I’m not exactly going to fast but I am going to reign in on what I consume. I have been maintaining my weight at 175. I’m penitent and humbled to fact that I don’t deserve God’s love. I’m committing to health and pure life. I enjoy games. It’s not always as a distraction. I guess I just want to appeal to you again. I don’t think I am doing that badly. With all that I have been through. I have been consistently going to the gym over the past couple of months. Have only been once this week so far but have been pushing weight at home. I am going to paint another painting. This one is going to be an oil painting of a Biblical scene of Daniel in the cell with the lions. I have been enjoying feeding the birds outside my apartment. I feed them birdseed. I’ll be moving at the end of April. Just down the street, a bit closer to public transit. I don’t want to move too far away because my church community is so close. My support group was cancelled this week because of the freezing rain. Last week we had together went really well and my co-facilitator said I was doing a great job. I’m really missing my old church right now. I hope they wouldn’t mind if I came to a service sometime in the near future. They will always be very close in my heart. I saw a movie a while ago called ‘Click’ with Adam Sandler. Wow. These Dickensian dream allegories that make you realize how important our lives are are simply incredible. Always, they pull at my heart. I wept. Like a baby, I wept after it. I am starting to recognize that I have an identity. And what death means. No matter what happens. No matter what goes wrong, or what sort of pains I have to endure, I always fall back on the wonderful, all embracing fact that I am loved and do not have to hide my face in shame. I can fall back on the fact that my God has the ability to forgive any sin. Because our God is a compassionate Father who loves us as His own children. He is also jealous for His children and will enact justice for them.