February 17, 2016:

I had a good day today. But it turned into a pretty rough day. I wore a shirt from my old church today. A couple of people asked about it. It was nice. You may be wondering why I still wear this shirt. I am very proud of the time I spent there. Just because I don’t go there anymore does not mean I am ashamed of my time there. I downloaded a couple of Rosary tracks onto my smart phone a couple of days ago. I’m finding this to be very helpful in controlling my feelings. My day started out very well. I was smiling and happy. Went to the gym in the afternoon. I did a couple of new exercises. One was the preacher curl, though I have done it in the past, I haven’t in a while. It honestly kind of hurts to do this exercise. Maybe I am not doing it entirely correctly. But when I lift, my triceps dig into the back of the bench and it is kind of uncomfortable. I’ll read up on it. I went into the pool, something I have been doing more lately. It’s a very nice treat after a workout. Then I went into the sauna. I was in the stretching room in the basement of my gym where I did some crunches and push ups. I discovered this amazing stretch that really liberates me. It’s where you get into a lunge like position and lean into it. It stretches the psoas muscle. If you dig into it, it increases the releasing effect. Sometimes, people use a soft ball and lie into it and allow the ball to dig into the muscle. It’s very effective and I find it easier to walk after I stretch this way. Afterwards, my day kind of spiraled down. A lot of things happened, which made me feel badly about myself. I was pleased that for the most part, I kept my anxieties to myself today. I found myself crying out to Jesus a lot today. I have so many reasons to be frustrated. But so many more to be hopeful and extremely grateful. God literally raised me from the dead. Let me say that again, as a testimony to myself: God raised me from the dead. In more ways than just the earthly connotation. Went grocery shopping after the gym. Bought a bunch of good food. Soups, fruits, beets. Going to start eating well again. I’ve gained two pounds. The weight doesn’t matter to me. But it’s evidence that I have not been eating well. To me at least. Going to disconnect from the internet for a while as well. Good night. I am proud of my body. It may not be sexy or overly muscular but my body has gotten me a long way in my life. And it has endured a lot more than most people probably still know. There is a reason my body has reacted the way it has. And I assure you it’s not been my choice. Regardless, I am doing a lot right now to strengthen it and make it look better. I love my body. I love it because how it has reacted, as well as how it has developed is a response to what I have been through. I am not content with it. I will continue to strive for health. But, I am proud of it. Continuation: I’m going to the gym again today after I finish writing in this. Going to work on my legs today. I have faith in my God. That is why I am continuing in spite of everything. Tradition, law and prudence are important. Love and compassion are more important. In everything you do, approach it from an attitude of love and empathy. This is not a new thought. And again, it’s easier said than done. It may even sound funny coming from me. “If I have to boast about anything, it would surely be that in face of everything that has significantly hurt me or, which had the potential to significantly hurt me over the course of my life, I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus.” People are not always deliberate in their actions and words. It’s something we should absolutely strive for to achieve. This is something we cannot expect of everyone though. We have all been through a lot. Anyways, today after the gym, I will go to church for my RCIA program. Looking forward to it as always. I will go to pray the Rosary before the class. This Sunday, we are all going to another church to meet with the Bishop of this district. Whatever happens, I am not going to give up. You know what I have been through. And I thank you for being so patient with me. Realizing I am being a little defensive at the moment. It’s tough for me to see because none of it is directed to anyone else. I am struggling very much with myself, being tempted a lot right now. Going to slow down. I can beat this. With the grace and courage of our Lord. “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and grace to help in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16. One of the first verses I memorized. Anyways, thank you.