May 17, 2016:

“After the injury that happened to me, I never really understood why the entire time I spent with them, the angels continually told me that the sooner I were to disclose what was happening to me, the easier it would be. I understand this now. The darkness surrounding this issue has gotten stronger as it has progressed. I’m sorry things have gone this long. This will end well though. I promise you this.” Today has started pretty difficultly. I know my stress is not your stress. I am trying so hard not to allow myself to become defensive. In any case, I feel I am doing a good job in handling my stresses and anger and fears. I really cannot explain how traumatically stressful all of this is for me. And if you cannot understand this now, I hope you will be able to at a point. How this darkness is obscuring such a traumatic truth. Also, how traumatic it is that truth is being obscured like this. It is my fault. I have faith the truth will come out, one way or the other. I’m not saying this in a negative way, but there is really no better word to describe it: you might get a surprise. I am meditating daily over what I will do when the truth comes out, that I will be able to accept it with grace and mercy and that I will not brook over it. If it is true, which I am certain it is, I know everything will make sense to you soon. I just want to ensure that everything I do now comes from a place of love and respect. It may not seem like it at this time, but it does come from a place of love to seek to bring everything into the light. Remember that trauma and shame accumulate. Remember that I was an infant when it began. Remember what I am claiming about how long it extended. There is a reason. Life affects all of us. Let me say: I understand your skepticism. I understand your judgement. I understand the fact that you don’t like to be out of control. I promise that things will make sense soon. I am strong enough to do this. For the glory of God. I’m meeting with a friend for coffee today. Tomorrow, I am going to my RCIA class’s final get together. On Saturday, I’m going to Toronto for a conference given by an evangelist who has a great testimony. It will be the first time he’s come to Canada. Sunday, I am golfing with two guys. I’m not going to give up. I will be honest and speak the truth until I am four feet under the earth. I know what God I serve. And I am proud to say that I choose Him. I choose light and love. This is for the glory of God, entirely. I’ll go to the gym this evening after Mass. I’m going to hit the bag. It’s difficult to expect a child who is going through this sort of stuff, to have a healthy understanding and relation to his own and others’ sexualities. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone. I can only speak for myself. I know what I deserve. For being disobedient this long. I know what I deserve for some of the choices I have made in this life. Who could stand, if God kept account of our sins? With Him is grace and forgiveness. I know that God understands why I was stumbled to do many of the things I have done in my life. I am certain that had I not been mistreated all these years, I would have been healthy enough to understand what I was doing. That I would not have done most of the bad things I have done in my life. Still, I know what I deserve. I know that this is not making much sense to you right now. I pray things will be revealed by God’s grace, if it should be His decision to use me now. Please keep faith. And know that there is a reason. Don’t doubt people’s capacity for change. A useful summarized quote from a comment section of a post by Toby Mac’s facebook page: “Behavior can change when the heart changes. Our behavior is an example of how we feel about ourselves and how we think. How we think and feel about ourselves can be greatly shaped by our earliest experiences. We need to read the Word and allow it to become part of our thought process.” I’m not going to be so defensive anymore. In my daily actions and words, I have overcome a lot especially over the last couple of months. I have gotten control of a lot of deadly emotions, resulting from the trauma I have experienced. I’m going to focus on the positive of life as opposed to the negative. I know I have said this in the past. It’s going to be difficult, especially with the feelings and shame and anger that are still suppressed within me. But I am going to try to be grateful from now on. Today, I am grateful for the ability to tell my story. For the fact that I am no longer physically and emotionally silenced under authority and fear. And that I have the ability to speak my truth regardless of how painful it is going to be. I am grateful for a God who clearly loves me in spite of the things that I have done wrong in my life because He sees what I was up against. I am grateful for the forgiveness and love of God.