Monday, August 22, 2016
March 10, 2016:
Slept well last night. Had a protein water this morning and a guava. I will go to the gym a bit later today. I’ll do another painting. For the most part yesterday, I feel I was very polite and courteous. I’m feeling compassion today, particularly for my abusers. I am praying. I forgive the people who hurt me. I went to the gym today. On the bus, I stopped at where I usually stop at so that I can have a washroom break. I went to PizzaPizza where I got two salads, one a garden salad, the other, a Mediterranean Greek salad. After I went to the gym, I went to Mr. Greek where I had steamed veggies and olives. The olives were delicious. This evening, I had soup with spices. About eight people gave me dirty looks today. When I was leaving the gym, a guy just stared for like fifteen seconds as I was walking. I stopped and looked at him, a bit peeved but said nothing. Then, as I walked away I said, “Into your hands Lord Jesus”. I don’t think nor did I intend for this to be heard by anyone. This is just something which I have learned to do when I experience a trauma. Not that that incident was traumatic necessarily. I have a difficult time explaining the way my body and mind have come to deal with trauma. Years ago, especially before I started dealing with these issues, it felt like every time I was hurt again, the weight of everything I had been through would come along with it. It’s gotten much better, as I have dealt with some of the issues in my past and have learned new ways to cope. People have a right to be angry with me. When I say that, the only thing that comes up in my mind, the most important thing is that I am taking so long. And the last thing I want to do is try to censor your feelings. You have an absolute right to them. I’m just hoping you can see this with compassion, realizing that the day to day stuff I do is influenced heavily by my body memory and traumatic past. I feel I am absolutely getting better. I feel certain that I have been courteous to others over the past like two weeks. I feel certain of that because that is what was on my heart. I’m trying so hard. I just want the best thing for your world. Please don’t be sensitive to me. I mean well. There is a reason why when I went to Niagara Falls with my friend, with whom I spent the whole weekend, I was calm, patient, gentle and accepting. I felt like that because I felt loved. Even just having another person around me who actually cared about what I had to say, if I was alright, that was wonderful. I have amazing friends. Truly. And I am so blessed and honored to be part of their lives. But this is something we can learn about everyone: love fixes, heals and inspires. Tonight, I am grateful for the church I was baptized in. This is a great church and the pastor there was kind enough to prepare for me a certificate of baptism. There are so many beautiful people in this world. So many beautiful people who are just hurting and want to know they’re loved. I know I wasn’t a great messenger of this but I have absolutely expressed it in my life when forgave a lifetime’s worth of crimes against myself, even while they were happening. This: you are cherished by God. God wants you to return to Him. Something will happen. I’m not sure what. But something will help you. After.