April 14, 2016:

Today has been a productive day. I went to Starbucks in the afternoon/morning where I wrote a bit more of my travel encounter in Iceland. It’s coming along well. Smoothly really. I have to set aside some time to sit and really get into it. I read six chapters of the Gospel of John at Starbucks. Afterwards, I went to church where I prayed for a while in front of the Tabernacle. Then I went to Mass. I know I have struggled a lot in my life and mission. It is not my intention to cause division. I know I could have done a lot better in my life. I am learning to love myself. Let’s be honest: I was never given the opportunity to learn this in my past. And so, I am learning to be patient with myself and have grown to be understanding of myself in my struggles. “Very truly I tell you, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen. . .” This is what I know: What I have been through. And that God is real. The Messiah of love. Today, I am grateful that while I am alive, there is a chance. I have hope in myself. Maybe no one else does. But this is my life. What can I do? I will not give up. And I can’t lose my life as well as my Life. I will not give up. This is very traumatizing for me as well. I am experiencing depression the same as I used to. The joy that is in my heart now outweighs the negative feelings. Still, trauma and its reactions are very real. But now, I am armored with the love of God and the sacrificial blood of Christ. I’m noticing as I am tempted lately, with depression, with sin, with despair, I am able more to counter it with the truth of what has been done for me. I’m not going to give up. I’m just asking you to have faith a while longer. I’m going to use my creativity, my abilities and what I do and say to try to encourage others. For the past couple of days, I have not been strict on my fast. Understanding the purpose of my fast, I do these so that I am not distracted or hindered in my processing of the information around me. So that I can heal. Tomorrow, I am going to start strictly observing again. Tomorrow, I am going to my friend’s place to play poker with a great group of guys. I’ll go to Mass in the morning if I can. I’m going to book a ticket to the Edge Walk at the CN Tower tomorrow. I’m finally going to do it. I’ve got to admit, I’m probably not going to dangle myself over the edge but just being up there will be amazing. I’m thinking about Mishelle tonight. Hoping she is happy and having an amazing time.