Monday, August 22, 2016

January 28, 2016:

Today, I am very grateful. I awoke and weighed myself for the first time in a couple of days. I weigh 170lbs. That means I’ve lost a bit of weight again. Going to the gym today. Then I’m going to advertise my editing services. Thankful. Continuation: I’ve had a great day. I went to the gym. After I worked out, I went for a swim and into the sauna. It was very nice. When I was finished changing, I got on the elevator with one of the guys who works there. He asked me what I do. I told him that I am an editor. He told me to say hi next time I was there. That he is a writer. I value the connection. It’s good to meet another person at my gym. After this, I wrote up a little ad for my editing business and posted online. The reasons things are done are not always for the reasons we think they’re done. The human mind is very complex. And it reacts to trauma in very different ways. The reason I am saying that is because I think there is a lot to be understood still. This is not simply about hard work. There is a reason I was chosen. It has a lot more to do with what I went through, the type of crime and the severity. I’m not a celebrity. I’m just a man who has been through more than most people and trying very hard to survive and thrive with the enormous obstacles that suffering has placed in my way. I am not better than others. Believe me. If there was an element of divinity and spiritual holiness to my identity in the past, I don’t know what remains with that. What I want people to know is that even that holiness, if it were there, would not have made me better than anybody. To God, no one is above any other. So that no one has the right to brag or boast. It’s true, I’ve been through a lot in my life. What makes us great is our faith. But what God will do with the life I have lived is rightfully His choice. I just want you to know I am not giving up. I remember at practically every age, my little heart eagerly looking forward in anticipation to events, to reunions, to things that would cheer any young child’s heart. Movies, sleepovers, birthdays. But every time, seemingly without fail, the evil one taunted me from my infancy with trauma, with suffering, by using others to hurt me in such a personal and vital way. Every time, I was pushed further to despair by people who hurt me. I will say this much: I will not let them win. I am thankful today for the life that I have lived and for the beautiful people in my life who have not wanted to hurt me. Cry out to Jesus…

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