January 31, 2016:

My fast is really starting to affect me. I am very hungry. Though I know it’s phantom. I know I am getting the nutrition I need. The particularly long stretches of abstinence though aren’t phantom… lol. It’s making me realize though that most people don’t appreciate the absolute joy of eating. I’ll say that particularly this fast has given me perspective. More tomorrow. I’ve got church tomorrow. It’s already 1 am. I had an amazing dinner. 4 Portobello mushrooms, potatoes, pineapple, raspberry, blackberry, blueberry and tomato. Day 36. Continuation: Went to church this morning. It was very nice to be up. Though, my RCIA class did not meet, it was especially nice for me to receive a blessing this morning. Typically, my class will be called up to the front to receive a blessing and then we’ll go to discuss the readings from the Bible for that Mass. Today, I was able to stay for the Eucharist. And even though I don’t feel prepared to take the Host, I approach with the rest and receive a blessing. It was very encouraging and I hadn’t done that for a while. I went to my friends place last night. We all got together to play poker. I hadn’t seen a few of them for a while and so a couple of them commented on my weight loss. My buddy Rob told me that I had lost 70lbs. It was hard for me to believe. I didn’t look at the process as a drive to lose weight. But, realizing that kind of makes me happy. Glory to God. We need to love ourselves. From there, we can build outward. I weighed myself this morning again. 169lbs. I want you to know that I am very sorry this is taking so long. And that I get so defensive. Most of the time, I internalize it when people give me judging or harsh looks – and whether I deserve them or not – I get really frustrated because I feel I am being criticised as a person. I feel this because of the shame that is deep in my heart. I get so frustrated because I don’t know what I am doing wrong most of the time. Your feelings are usually justified. I am trying very hard. Which is why I have gone almost forty days very basic pleasures. So that I may be able to process what’s inside of me more efficiently. I am grateful for life.