Monday, August 22, 2016
January 13, 2016:
Today was good. I went to the gym in the afternoon. Did a full workout. I am realizing though that I have to calm myself and collect my feelings. Countless times in the past have shown me the trap of acting happy and positive when on the inside, your heart is shattering. I remember once in particular when I was still in university. I had just finished watching ‘Scrooged’, a rendition of A Christmas Carol with Bill Murray. I felt this surge of motivation flow through my veins. I had resolved to be happy. Keep in mind that for my entire life, and even up until then, I had no idea why I was so depressed, why I wanted to kill myself all the time, why I could not engage in healthy, happy relationships with my peers. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. Some character flaw, which was preventing me from living. All that turned out to be fraudulent thinking as it would become clear to me what had happened to make me feel this way. Anyways, I wanted to be happy after watching Scrooged. I just felt so rejuvenated and joyful because of the way that Ebenezer changed his own life around. For the next couple of days, literally walked around campus smiling at random people and greeting strangers. I could tell people started to notice. Nothing was going to bring me down. Until, the defence mechanisms and flashbacks stated coming all over again. They came stronger at this point. I am learning now that I have to deal with my emotions and defence mechanisms. Healing from child sexual abuse is not something that happens overnight. In many cases, it is a lifelong process. I have noticed myself come very far from before I started healing. Relational and emotional wounds can be as serious as losing a limb. I’m trying harder than a lot of people realize. I’m not crazy. I’m only speaking what I have seen and been told. We need to look at things with compassion and love. We need to do this as opposed to dwelling on tradition and law. We need to stop and assess each situation and ask what our Lord would do in the same situation. Sometimes, truth does not have to encompass everything. Truth is what God says is Truth. Because that Truth is comprised of the facts that we need to know then, which are beneficial for us then. My fast is going well. I will continue until next month. A lot of the time, I want to lock myself in my room. I know you deserve so much better. There is a reason I am writing all of this stuff. And it’s not to spite you but to help you, encourage you and lead you to compassion. I know I can be difficult to deal with. And I know that, in the grand scheme, this is not about me. Even if it was at a point, I know I have lost that. Even though I have come a long, long way, I’m struggling a lot. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. I just wish I could be stronger. You will receive what you are promised. Of that I am sure. But, I will keep trying. My hardest. To show you love. Showing myself love. I want so much to love and to feel happy. I’m not giving up. In spite of my post-traumatic tantrums and emotions, I want you to know how valuable you are. How valuable God views you as. It’s tough when your heart doesn’t synch with your body and mind, simply because these more physical elements have been through so much trauma that the heart just leaves. Takes a permanent vacation. I even know in the middle of these feelings, how patient you are all being with me. I know how valuable you all are. I know how much you have all been through. A woman came up to me at the grocery store today and offered me a ride. I don’t know why she did it. I didn’t accept; already made plans. But it made me feel so good about myself. It was encouraging to me. Kind of made me want to do nice things for others. I am happy right now.