Monday, August 22, 2016
March 1, 2016:
I have faith that the future will be better. I have faith that the darkness that has come will be set aside. There will be relief. And then, after all happens as it was meant to happen, there will be rest. I have faith things will be better first. I realized something today. I realized why people are discouraged and frustrated with me. Most of all, I came to a dreadful and pathetic realization that I am still dealing with a lot of the issues I was months ago, a year ago. When I said I would fix it. I’m not going to lie, this is the first time I have thought about it like this. Call it naiveté, it was a lie of the darkness that prevented me from seeing it. I realized that maybe it’s not as much of a problem with my beliefs, my core being, my identity or the way I look or walk that is causing people’s frustration. All of these beliefs are based out of shame and fear. I have to say that these beliefs about myself and their corresponding reactions are getting drastically better and are even being replaced by the gratitude that saved me. But, I am realizing that it’s not about that. It’s about my reactions, which, though they’re not always as ill intended and malicious as people may believe, people absolutely have a right to be upset with me. It’s about the fact that I have said I would change countless times, have gone on fasts. And have always returned to this frustration of my own. When we go to do something, shame is the one that holds us back. Empathy and the love of God is the antidote to shame, to partially quote a facilitator of mine at the Gatehouse. I want to be as honest as I can. I feel myself struggling at the moment. A lot. I can tell because I am having a difficult time expressing myself. It’s in states like these, when I am feeling deeply stressed that I am starting to remember my self-care. I have had so very many insights into my own sense of being ever since I have accepted Christ. But also since I have started my own healing journey. Realizing that a big reason I have difficulty expressing myself is a lack of confidence, a fear that is very deep that convinces me that what I have to say doesn’t matter anyways. That fear tracing back and echoing in my ear, embodied by the voices of those who hurt me in my life. Realizing that I do have a choice. I’m sure people would have noticed my notes in this list of gratitude have been essentially just that for the past couple of days: notes. If people are reading this that is. I was allowing myself to be caught up in the anxiety and fears. I wouldn’t allow myself to write a fluid entry. I don’t have to do that. It is a continual deception that I am faced with on a daily basis, and a large part of the reason I wrote that sensitive bit about the fairness of my situation. The deception that I do not have a choice. That the anxiety and the fears of my childhood are still affecting me. In spite of everything, I am grateful. And, I am certain in the Truth of the love of my God. I have never lost faith. I always find that expressing myself and writing really liberates my mind. This is a big reason I wrote so many letters to my inner child. Also, clearly because he deserved it. I just wish people would realize that most of the time, when I am rude or defensive that I don’t always intend for it to come across this way. I wish people would realize that bad things in a person are not always caused by ill intent. I really don’t want to hurt anyone. A big portion of the hours that I spend awake in bed before I am able to fall asleep are unnaturally devoted to feeling bad about what I have done to others. I only say unnaturally because in reality, I’ve experienced so much more than what I have done to others. Perhaps ironically, it’s what I went through that subconsciously willed my hurtful actions. It was the unprocessed emotions, thoughts that willed my behavior. It’s the things I have done to harm (unintentionally, intentionally in my past), the things that have been offensive to others that dominate most of my thoughts. I just want people to see that I am a person with so much love within me, dying to come out. I want people to know how terrifying it is for me to allow that love out and how frustrating it is being unable to express the love that’s in my heart. I’m sorry, truly sorry if I have hurt anyone in my life. I want you to know how I feel. I’m sorry. I’m trying very hard. I know how discouraging this must be for you. I’m continuing going to the gym and painting and journaling. I discuss my feelings as much as I can. Yesterday, I smiled instead. All day. It feels good to smile. This morning, at the bus stop I said good morning to a woman, she gave me the brightest smile. Another guy entered the conversation and we spoke for a minute about the bus and weather. I welcome people to examine carefully what I am doing. Please, if you do not understand why I am doing something, I welcome you to ask. There’s often another reason other than simple malice as to why I do stuff. I know you have been unbelievably understanding. I just want people to know I am sorry. I realize an apology does not mean much until there is repentance. I will change. I have faith the love of God can heal me, even with this weight. “When you judge others, do not judge as man does, on the exterior. Instead, judge righteous judgement.” I’m not saying this as an excuse. There is not an excuse to sin. Our goal is righteousness and holiness. But God is an understanding God, knowing why we sin. We sin, in most ways because we suffer. In any case, suffering opens a wide door for the evil one. I’m just asking you to remember how much I have lived through in my life. “My time has not yet come.” I’m telling you, do not believe until there is a reason to. But please keep your hearts open. There is a reason for all of this. “I’m asking you not to believe until there is evidence. I hope you can come to appreciate just how painful and traumatic that is for me to say. But I am not saying it for my own sake. I will overcome. I just want the right thing to happen according to the Will of God. Just I want you to know that I cannot do this without you. Be receptive. Be open. But if there is still space for you all to rejoice (I don’t know how much so far I have failed – or what’s repairable) wait until there is evidence to rejoice. I want very much to do the right thing. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” I know I probably do not have a place at this time to dictate anything to your world but this is an area I have no doubt about and have to speak up about. I’m not going to stop writing about my truth. I will not be silenced again. I’m not crazy. I am intending that to come across in the most gentle of ways. The silence is a big reason as to why I have difficulty expressing myself now. I am going to pray the Rosary tonight. I am not going to give up. I went to the gym last night. What an awesome workout! I pushed 160lbs chest press two sets eight reps each. I’m curling 35lbs six reps now. I’m proud of my growth. I’ve gained a bit of weight; not much. Most of it is indigestion and gas from eating stuff that reacts poorly with me. I intend on going back on a diet/fast shortly. I have been abstinent for five days. Painted two pictures over the past couple of nights. Going to paint an icon of the Mother Mary holding the infant Christ soon. I think it’s going to be a blessing; easier than I think it will be. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about others who are embarking on a journey that at the beginning seems very dark and scary. But it’s a journey with a large light at the end and so much hope. Grateful for my healing, though its coming in waves, I will get there. Grateful for love. Grateful for my church. Am grateful to be a part of the RCIA program. I am going to miss some classes between now and Easter. But I have not missed one yet. I am grateful for the classes that I have been able to take part in and learn from. One other piece of amazing news! My buddy Rob is getting married! Congrats! The reason I think my shaking and body tension is physiological is that it is always triggered by emotional stress. I’m not trying to be rude or difficult. It’s very painful and all of my attention focusses on it.