May 10, 2016:

The abuse is pretty stressful stuff to think about and talk about. I’m feeling pretty great right now, very supported and empowered. Regardless of the fact that things might seem positive now, darker times may come. I just want to offer the assurance that in spite of any darkness that arises, there will absolutely be a space to rejoice after a while. I have faith in His timing and plan for me. Please keep faith. We live in a world where performance is glorified and idolized. We can’t forget about life’s vulnerability and how even the smallest circumstance can influence the human life. I guess I am asking you to keep things in perspective. Don’t forget my message. It absolutely doesn’t make what I have done any better. When you’re that young and you’re shamed to think that’s your worth, your actions, words and decisions will follow how you have been taught to feel about who you are as a person. I will continue. Everything that could easily be labeled as insanity can be in every way, either an eccentricity or a defence mechanism/coping mechanism resulting from the trauma that we have been through. I experience this. It is all a traumatic reaction, right down to the fact that I am having difficulty recalling stressful events now. There’s probably little I can do to explain what is happening. I am just going to have to stand up for truth and fight for what I know is right with my actions. I hope that things are made clear to you. Just please remember, there is a reason for everything. It is because of the experiences of my life that I was chosen. All I can do is beg the people who I myself have hurt, for their forgiveness, knowing – or soon to know – what I was going through myself. I understand it’s difficult. And in no way am I offering excuses. I will stand accountable as well. But I am asking you with love and respect to keep things in perspective. There is a reason I have such difficulty expressing myself and with almost everything else. There is insight in this: that this is because of what I have been through. Things did not happen as they were planned. I had an experience last night, which made me feel very badly about myself and my being. It brought up a lot of shame and fear that I had trapped within me. I have faith that I am doing the right thing. For my soul. Being Christian is less about avoiding sin than consciously and actively pursuing God’s will. The truth will be revealed. I understand your feelings and skepticism. I understand this must be stressful for you as well. I wish you could see how stressful this is for me. I want to post a post I wrote a couple of days ago: “The abuse is pretty stressful stuff to think about and talk about. I’m feeling pretty great right now, very supported and empowered. Regardless of the fact that things might seem positive now, darker times may come. I just want to offer the assurance that in spite of any darkness that arises, there will absolutely be a space to rejoice after a while. I have faith in His timing and plan for me. Please keep faith.” There is a reason the truth is obscured. Don’t be deceived. The one telling the truth often does so with a shaky voice. The darkness is very strong in this world. Truth will prevail. I went to St. Phillip Neri’s Parish today for spiritual counselling with a priest who often comes to St. Wilfrid’s. I feel really understood, most of all believed when I speak to him. I can’t explain how incredible it is to feel believed. There’s very few people who I actually feel this around. I still have faith the truth will come out. I just want to ensure that I am in a stable enough place with my faith and my emotional well-being that when the truth does come out that I can handle it appropriately. I can’t express how terrible and volatile this has been for me. Regardless, I know that the love Christ has filled in the healed holes of my heart, will help me not to brook over this injury. I’m just looking at things positively from now on. After my appointment with the priest, I went to the cathedral and prayed the rosary. I’m not going to give up. I was pretty depressed this morning. I know what the right thing to do is. And I will do it. I want you to know that I am not going to give up. I have had a pet ficus bonsai tree for the past couple of years. It has been a great source of comfort in a way. In the move, it lost a lot of its leaves. If not due to the physical stress of moving, due to being in a new environment. It has four leaves left on it, which are healthy. I am trying my best to nurture it and care for it. Jesus offered living proof of this, both in what He did and in His own beautiful life: that love has the ability to raise even the dead. Love can heal what is broken. Anyways, in spite of the fact that walking to get to my house now is a bit further, I am loving living where I am. My roommates and landlord are great people. I was just remarking today that I am loving the nature around where I am living. I guess that where I used to live was a relatively new development. Where I am now, the trees are so big, the flowers are so bright and lush, there are animals all over the place. I put bird seed onto the ledge of my room’s window. This morning, a tropical looking bird (I am not sure whether I have ever seen anything like it in Canada) flew onto the ledge and ate. He had dull yellow and green feathers and a bright orange beak. Then, it flew up and landed on the second ledge of the window. From here, he just looked into the window. He was probably checking out his reflection or figuring out whether he could fly through. God’s beauty of Creation is evident in everything if we open our eyes and see. This really cheered me from my depression and inspired me to get moving for the day.