January 10, 2016:

One thing I am increasingly learning, in many different ways, is that we all simply want love. We all need love more than anything. This is what is wrong with the world: the absence of love. Aside from these simple clichés, there’s a reason I am saying this. That love can conquer anything. In our attitudes in the least. I did not experience unconditional, compassionate love in my developmental years. Which is why I am having so much difficulty now. I played a game of chess today. My opponent said a bunch of negative things to me and after I won the game, said something like I was lucky. I was friendly and said simply, ‘have a nice day’. I was astonished a couple of hours later, I logged on to see that he was calmed down and was happy to play me again. I was just surprised by the ability of politeness and gentleness in the face of aggression; that it can defuse hostile situations and even hostility in the first place. This guy was angry for some reason. Obviously he had something against the way I was playing but after expressing a friendly attitude, he calmed down. I’ve got to say that I see a parallel to my day to day life. I’ve been extremely stressed out over the past couple of days. I’ve been trying so hard to be nice to people. But every once in a while, emotions overwhelm me. I want to remember how treating people with respect, even when they’re treating me poorly, can help to shape their attitudes about me. I don’t want people to be upset with me. I’m trying very hard to be courteous and generous. Which I don’t think is a bad thing. But, I want to stress again (I know it could be a new thought for you) that the reason we think people are doing things is not always the real reason for them doing things. Our actions and speech are greatly influenced by what we have been through. This is probably also a new thought that shame accumulates and festers if we do not address this issue. I’m not as bad as you may think I am. I know it takes me a while to discern why people are upset with me at any given moment. This is because I have to rely on intuition. Even though I am gifted with foresight and insight and wisdom into the reasons others’ do things and say things, I am not psychic. Aside from some great friends, I have nobody instructing me. And I couldn’t expect this of my friends. Anyways, I get kind of frustrated because I don’t know what I am doing wrong sometimes, to upset people. Continuation: Regardless, I am feeling grateful. This morning I went to my dismissal at church, after which we had a discussion about the baptism of our Lord. It was very encouraging. I am learning the Catholic tradition the best way I am able. By trying to immerse myself and learn by trial and error. I am excited yet anxious about the process. It’s a lot of fun. Please remember what I have been through. The seriousness of the injury that happened to me. I went to the gym two days in a row this last week. I love it. Feeling strong and confident. Grounded. My fast is going well. Nearing day 15. I’m doing it for myself at the moment. To treat my body with love and respect. Though it’s hurting most of the time. I had a seaweed salad up in Newmarket that apparently had a bit of vinegar and seasoning on it. I’m not going to hold this against my fast. I didn’t know and really couldn’t taste it; thought it was the seaweed. Either than that, it’s going great. I weighed this morning at 176lbs. I had a nice coffee with a beautiful woman about a week ago. After this, she said she would like to go bowling but that it would have to be in a couple of weeks. I’ll text her again soon. I’m getting a bit more comfortable with the idea of dating. Especially after I spent some time in Niagara with a great friend who showed me that I was accepted and loved. I needed that. Still after that week, I reflected, regretting over the relationships and experiences I was not able to experience because I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to. I am very sad that now that I am able, I think, to date and have a friendship, I lost two of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I can’t believe that I let them go. But another thing accepting that feeling of love and acceptance is doing for me is showing me that I have to treat myself with gentleness and respect as well. I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to show these two women how much I loved them. And I did love them, legitimately. I hope they’re happy. They will always be in my heart.