Monday, August 22, 2016
March 4, 2016:
Today was amazing. Literally. I chose to smile again for the whole day. I felt very empowered and hopeful. I want you to know, journal, that regardless of what I have been through and am still experiencing, I am very, very grateful and hopeful. Yesterday was a great day as well. In the morning, I went and put up some ads for a friend. Later, I went to the Gatehouse where I had my first facilitation of a support group. I was a little anxious and had a bit of difficulty at times. But my co-facilitator was very helpful and understanding. I am not going to say anything else about that. I just hope I expressed that I am here for them and want the best for them. Right before the group started, I got a call from my sponsor for my Confirmation into the RCC. It’s a long process. I am so encouraged and blessed to know this guy. And that he is willing to make this commitment for me. Today, I went and put up the rest of my friend’s ads. Then, I went to the gym. I brought my boxing gloves and spent some time on the bag. Because of my endurance and especially because of the tremoring, particularly in my legs, I cannot punch long. But it’s good for me to release some tension. I was impressed with myself that even after punching the bag for a couple of minutes, I was still able to push 160lbs on the chest press for two sets. Until I realized that I may have exhausted my muscles because I wasn’t using proper form, so I dropped the weight. I curled 35lbs again, six times, followed by two sets of eight reps with 30lbs. It’s important for me to keep track of my improvements. Anyways, I was speaking to a couple of guys who were using the bag after my workout. I asked if I could watch. They asked if I boxed. I told them just on the bag but that I’d be interested in taking lessons. I hope to see this guy again because he was telling me about a gym. Anyways, I ordered a pizza after the gym today. I was hungry after working out. I think I am prepared to start my fast again. As good as the food is, and as much as I don’t want to punish myself by depriving myself of the basic pleasures of eating certain foods, I want to be healthy. I also want my heart to be in a right place. My co-facilitator has been great. This guy has been so encouraging in my own recovery. I think that the most powerful words and heart-shaking words that he has used in encouraging me so much were ‘I believe you’. In the midst of being accused of some hurtful things, this guy reminds me of why I am not crazy, reminding me of the symptoms, the work I am doing and the stock manipulation so common in abusers. I am very grateful for this man, for the entire community there, for what they have done and are doing for me. I am coming to a point where I know for a fact what has happened to me. I have no doubts. And I have assessed, from a minimally biased perspective actions, bits of conversations and behaviors from decades ago up to a matter of a couple of years ago that are characteristic. I know what happened. I don’t want to force my experiences on anyone though. I realize it is difficult to accept that people are capable of these sorts of actions. I just want the best. And what God thinks is the best. I just want you, journal, again to know how very grateful and hopeful I am in the future. I want you to know how much God has done for me. No, I am not perfect. That has clearly been established. But considering the seriousness of both the physical and the emotional and the spiritual injuries done to me, I think I am doing pretty well. I am grateful for the works that God has done in and, as hard as it may seem to admit at times, through me. The biggest work though is the peace and hope that He has filled in my heart. I needed to be shown love early in my life. I needed it because I was only hurt through my childhood. The same goes for all children who are hurt in childhood. People can overcome anything with the power of love. It will give us the attitude and perspective we need to bear the painful stuff, anyways, while we await our glory. Love can beat all. I was never shown the love I needed for the right reasons. This is why I am having difficulty now.