March 29, 2016:

I went to Mass again today. I received a book I had ordered from Amazon a while ago. It’s called the Story of a Soul, the letters and writings of St. Therese. Just a few pages in, I am seeing why she was given the title of Saint. Her faith is beautiful and I am looking forward to reading the rest of the book. I went and got some new canvases yesterday. I am going to paint an oil painting of three things. First, of Jesus in the garden at Gethsemane. Second, Saint Joan of Arc, who has always been very inspiring to me. Finally, the painting I was speaking about of Daniel in the cell with lions. I went to the gym yesterday. I feel I am really reconnecting with a lost part of myself that was inspired by my grandmother who first introduced me to the saints. It’s really comforting and provides a lot of assurance. The presence of angels and saints and other figures in my faith are not figures of worship. We don’t worship them. As I understand, they are intercessors for our prayers to God the Father Almighty. I spent yesterday evening in prayer and difficult discomfort. Sometime yesterday I realized again that people had been counting on me and that I had let them down. I broke down and wept a couple of times in the train and at the bus station. I remember going home where I couldn’t stop shivering. I just prayed. I prayed for about three hours. I feel so incredibly discouraged. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Still, I know and accept that the fault lies with me and not with my God. I wish you could see just how traumatizing this is for me to witness on the news the terror attacks that are happening almost daily now. We cannot ignore anymore why they are doing these things. God have mercy. I know. All I can do is remain as righteous as I can, which I am doing. And make best use of the time I am offered that remains. I am not sinning wilfully. It is impossible for me to be perfect. I trust. This is about Christ. I don’t want to test God in determining a day. I will rejuvenate. With Christ in me, I am a new man. I know people are kind of counting on me. I am going to be different. I’m going to keep trying. It’s all I can do. The reason why I continue to go to the gym, to paint, to write is because I see the hope that is there. This past Easter Sunday, my parish priest spoke an homily about rebirth. In it, he was saying that new life is not only eternal life. He was speaking about how God is the God of this world too. I still have faith in myself. I have faith in the promises of my God who will bring me into new life. I have faith that I can change, here in this life. The Holy Communion is something my soul has been longing for since I was young and refused it believing myself unworthy. For me personally, it is a very sacred act. Please keep faith in God. For everything bad that is happening now, there will be justice. Continuation: I went and paid my first and last month at my new place. I am happy I am moving. I’ve got to admit, I’m feeling a bit anxious and actually sat outside for a while in prayer to discern what to do. But I am happy I have done this. I am committing to progressing my life. That is what Satan has had a hold on me by for most of my life. Fear, which flourished through the nature of and the actions of the sorts of crimes committed against me. I went to the internet café I go to play games today after Mass. Afterwards, I gave my membership card back to the guy who works there, telling him he could recycle it. I told him the services they provide are great but that I just want to distance myself from games and other distractions. I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the fact that while I am still alive, I have the opportunity to create, to love and to live. I saw a friend’s status on facebook today. She said that ‘the sun makes me love more. It has this way of shining through everything’. It’s true. I’m so grateful for sunshine. I hope I can golf a couple more times. Tomorrow, I have my support group. Thankful for these guys. I’m not a public figure. At this time, I am not a public figure. People know me because I am suffering. I’ve been very open with my pain. I’m blessed to share my experiences if it helps others. And I believe strongly that Christ has healed me enormously with what I have been through.