Note:

I was doing some thinking the other night. I was trying to remember the best memory I had. It’s tough because any memory that wasn’t laced with violation was a respite. I remembered playing with my friends at my old house. I remembered my grandmother and her genuine love for me. Love is meant to be a little harsh. It’s not supposed to be lucid and allowing of anything on account that you do what it wants. I remembered being on the bus in grade in grade six. I would have just been coming out of my shell and I remember a girl who was in the year above me at the school who I had such a crush on. She lived down the street. She sat next to me on the bus and I smelled her perfume. It was such a nice feeling. I remember dances. Many friends. I remember being in Coffee Time and a girl walking up and talking to me after catching her eye a couple of times. I will never forget the first French class I took at York U. I remember lunches at where I used to live. These all top the list for me. One of the best memories I can remember, or the one that conjures the warmest feelings was right after watching ET. I was very young and there had been some longer period between the molestations offering me the illusion of hope for change. I remember the sense of wonder that I experienced was almost divine, like I was tapping into a piece of heaven. Throughout my life, I have had a lot of great memories. The greatest one of all, extending through a lot of pain and violation, was interlaced over other memories I had. That memory was the feeling of hope. I know that a lot of the things I have done in my life, the ways I have learned to cope, were wrong. With respect, there was a reason I did these things. I am certain that had I not have been subject to terrors when I did them or doing them in the wake, I would never have done these things. With respect, this is not about me. I have repented to the degree I am able, with my own healing taken into consideration. It doesn’t excuse it, but there is a difference between one who acts out inappropriately because of what is happening to them and people who make a lifestyle out of violating the rights of another, subjecting them to slavery. Please remember, there is a reason. For a victim of these sorts of experiences, once is too much. But I believe strongly that there are factors, which contribute to one’s own experiences of trauma as having more of an effect. You can say what you want. I am blessed and very thankful to have the life I have. This is my life. It’s important to me. I may not have treated my life with much respect over most of it. I didn’t have much respect for who I was until I accepted His love and grace and finally started to confront the issues in my past. And what happened in my past wasn’t right. What happened in my past was definitely the reason I treated myself with disrespect. This is my story. It’s real. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. I suppose I may be under the naïve preconception that all of this is still going to be a surprise for you and your world. This is part of the reason I do not speak openly about my testimony. A father at my church gave such a powerful homily today. I was practically weeping in my seat. It really resonated with me and I am grateful for his words as they gave me a lot of courage. I’ve been seeing this priest for spiritual counseling for a couple of sessions. I’m very grateful for him. With respect, we need to remember to discern between situations that are intentional and unintentional. We need to be able to discern between assault and non-assault. Between rape and an accidental touch. Between molestation and a look. I will come back to write this entry. Tonight, I am grateful for light in the midst of fear. Its existence gives us the opportunity to overcome it. And to rely on the love given through the Cross in order to overcome it. I am grateful for the love that conquered fear and darkness. I am grateful for the resurrection. I am grateful for the life breathed into me. I am grateful for my church. I am grateful for friends at my old church and that we still keep in touch. I am grateful for the opportunity to tell the truth. Regardless of the consequences. I’m grateful for truth.