February 20, 2016:

Today was a productive day. I went to Starbucks where I worked on developing the plot of my novel that I wrote some time ago. I wrote this and I want to be proud of it. I have come up with some additions to make it a bit more readable. This is the one that is based on the dream allegory where the offender goes and lives the life of his victim after his crime against him. I have to say that it is meant to be dark and depressing. Otherwise, the offender in the story wouldn’t get the idea. I am going to juxtapose this life with the genuine victim’s life in the story. Also, I painted a picture today. Based in acrylic, I painted a cardinal. Going to paint another tomorrow and the day after. It feels nice and productive to be creative. Not that I was doing nothing before – I was doing a lot – it feels good to tap into my creativity again. Went to the grocery store after. Saw my buddy at cash who wants to get together tomorrow. He’s quit smoking for like three weeks now. I think that’s great. Also, while I am organizing everything, I am creating a website for my services. And once I publish my novel for real, I will be able to sell it on my website. I saw a video last night about making your bed and how it can get you off to a good start for the day. I made my bed and was surprised this morning at how motivated I felt. I will continue this. I removed my parental control for a little while on my ipad last week so that I could use youtube on it on the internet so I could download a song through youtube to mp3. I was tempted to look at porn a lot. I am proud that I resisted and have not been tempted since. Probably over a year since I have looked at porn. One of my roommates this evening complimented me about my weight and said that I have been motivating her to diet herself. I was glad to have had this effect on her. Also, it’s encouraging to know that the weight I lost, I have kept off. Yesterday, I was at my dentist’s office where I got a cavity filled. My dentist said the nicest thing to me. She commented before the procedure about the fact that she’d heard about a movie being made about me. After the procedure, I told her what it was about and what I had been through. She said that she was honored to know me and that my story and what I am saying is helping a lot of people. It was so heartwarming and encouraging to hear this. I was a bit triggered when she brought up something she said. I also have a bit of difficulty accepting compliments and praise. I didn’t know what to say. When she told me she was honored to know me, I said I was honored to know her as well. As out of place as the statement was, the thought that was going through my head as I said it was a memory of her removing my very difficult wisdom tooth a while ago. And the statement was earnest although I was having difficulty when I said it. I am grateful my story is and has helped people. Very grateful. For the glory of God entirely. I sincerely appreciated what she said. I struggled to respond. Afterwards, yesterday, I went to my buddy’s for poker. I made 40$. Tripled up. Though it’s sincerely not about winning or losing. I enjoy getting caught up in the process of the game. It was a good night. I was reading the Psalms for a long time. I read through the Book in a couple of days a couple of times. I was reading this particular Book because I felt down and defeated in many of my past sins and the sins of others. I have done a lot I am not proud of in my life. What I went through was pretty serious, considering many factors, which increase the effects of this behavior. I also recognize that I am far from perfect. Even one sin is enough to separate us from holiness in God’s eyes. But God recognizes that some suffer to a greater extent. Really, our sin is inherited. So in that sense, we are born sinners, however children are innocent in the eyes of God. The fact is that we are all sinners. I am not proud of my sin. But there is a reason that we sin. To me, I am a terrible sinner. Regardless of what others have done in the past, realizing that we have a choice has encouraged me to open my eyes a little. Realizing that I was getting too overwhelmed in shame and pity, I started to read again the Gospels. I read Mark last night and am starting the Book of John today. This was encouraging and reminded my spirit that God, in His awesome mercy and grace, offered a remedy for this sin. That remedy is in the Lord Jesus and we are set free because of what He did for us; His great sacrifice. Ever since I have accepted His great Love, I am a different man. I quit a three pack a day cigarette addiction, quit gambling, quit alcohol, quit completely and for good pornography and all of these things that took my eyes off of Him. There is so much that I have been able to do with His Spirit. And, Grace of God willing, so much more to do. I am just emphasizing these addictions I have given up in order to show you that I am different. We need to have compassion for even people who hurt others. But these people are making choices. Of which they absolutely will be held accountable.