February 4, 2016:

Well, as of an hour and a half ago, it is day 39 of my fast. I’m reflecting on how it has gone and I am happy with how I feel: especially that I tried my hardest and devoted a lot of time to being in the Word and in prayer. I ate vegetables and fruits each night, with an isolate protein shake in the mornings, usually no lunch. Towards the end, maybe three or four days ago, I started to introduce some organic beans without fat and potatoes. Throughout, I tried to keep a pattern of strictly little to no fat or sugars. Like I have said, it has given me new perspective. And I feel much better. Now comes the hard part. Maintaining. Food offers pleasure. Because there is a lot of suffering that I faced and in some ways am still facing, comfort seems like a relief at times. I have faith in myself. But most of all, I have faith in my Lord. I’ve tried very hard to be reasonable for the past week. Today, I went to my RCIA class. It was a nice session. I’ve a couple of events coming up, which I am excited for. I was reminded of something very significant today. I was reminded that faith is a gift from God. It is not something we can develop. “Lord, help my unbelief”. Son of David, have mercy on me. In all honesty, today was very difficult for me. I woke feeling hurt. And though I feel I controlled myself well, I was angry a lot today. I did something, which made me proud today that I had not done for a while. Every time I felt a pang of pain, I called out, “into your hands.” It’s such a simple prayer. Yet, potentially one of the most effective and powerful we can learn. Lord Jesus, take this pain from me. I am going to keep fighting for what I believe. For the truth of my life. And for love. I don’t like to label myself and I am feeling very liberated in most ways, but the effects still haunt me at times: I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from the childhood traumas that were compounded by the injury I sustained. This makes my feelings and thoughts overwhelming at times. I also have a lot of flashbacks. Though everything has gotten so much better than what it was, it’s not something that goes away overnight.