Monday, August 22, 2016
April 8, 2016:
Feel I have been very reasonable over the past week. Actually exceptionally reasonable, with what I am dealing with. I have had no outbursts. Actually, I think I have even been using the traumas and extremely traumatic pains I have experienced to help others. I feel that some people get offended at things I am doing that are defence mechanisms against a lot of trauma and not always hostility and defensiveness. I am asking you to be patient with me as you have, knowing what I am claiming to be true. Things are not always as they seem. I mean there is a lot more going on. This is a good example of misconceptions surrounding this whole thing: “There are a lot of physical and emotional injuries resulted from what happened to me. I have a prostate or kidney problem. I cannot urinate when I am stressed. The only thing that sometimes helps is warm water. This is because I was raped a lot. Things aren’t always done for the reason we think. Have compassion.” Merited, I think you having misconceptions is understandable. You haven’t been exposed to this kind of information yet. In spite of this, I feel positive in saying I have been very reasonable to everyone over the past at least week. I talk to myself. But I am trying hard to say positive things. Look for the positive in life, others and circumstances. Life is pretty difficult. Anyways, last night, I went to my Gatehouse support group. It was an encouraging night and a lot of great insights happened. Something I am realizing more, which my co-facilitator is helping me realize is that we as people are responsible for how we react to things emotionally. A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned an incident where a guy on the bus started asking me some really weird questions. The conversation ended with him asking me if I wanted to hurt somebody. When I asked him what he meant, he told me he said it because I was looking at a girl seated next to him. It was truly absurd. I didn’t know what to say and internalized this, thinking I had done something terrible to deserve it. After giving it some thought and a couple of conversations, in which I sought feedback about it, I realized that anything could have been happening. He could have been projecting his own desires onto me. He could also have been schizophrenic. The point is that I was able to change the narrative about what had happened. And instead of internalizing what this guy had done, I was able to frame what had happened in a different light. Anyways, this is something I am becoming more adept at practicing in my day to day life. Instead of asking why people do things to me, I am asking why people are doing things. It’s helping me empathize with people with whom I would have become defensive with in the past because I would feel retraumatized. Today, I went to the gym. I pushed chest press 170lbs 8 times. Then I dropped to 130, which I did 12 times for 2 sets. It feels great to work out. After the gym, I went to Starbucks where I read six chapters of the Gospel of Mark. It’s amazing how quickly I am noticing a difference in my demeanour while being in the Word. I always was in Scripture daily. I only read a chapter a day. Noticing this is making a big difference in my ability to remain prudent and empathize with others. On the way to Starbucks, I crossed a street at Dufferin and Finch where there was a woman asking for money in the median. I passed her at first but then decided to return and give her five dollars. I really want to take part in the CN Tower’s edgewalk. It’s crazy. I am petrified of heights. To the point of crippling over. This is a reason I want to do it. I know I said I would in the past. I’ll book ticket for this next weekend! I have got to admit that most of the time, I am silent about what is on my heart. Feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter, as though whatever thoughts I have are not important because everybody else must feel them too. I’m traumatized. I avoid intimacy and sex, especially in the context of love because the way it was used against me. Concept of intimacy doesn’t feel normal to me. It seems foreign to me that sex and physical love could be positive. My aversion is clearly understandable to me at least. Even with something good and normal, like water, if a young boy from a very young age was continually shamed for his desire to drink it and nearly drowned as a response, it is obvious that that boy will grow up with an unhealthy view of both his need for the life sustaining substance and of it in general. I love women. You are beautiful. And there is nothing more I want than to experience intimacy and love. I’m not going to give up. I still believe in love. My heart and mind are still healing. I wish you could see how frustrated I get with a body that doesn’t work properly and a mind that is fatigued and weighed down by trauma. I am fighting so hard to keep them healthy. Over the past couple of weeks, I haven’t gone to the games room for my internet games. I haven’t played chess. I am absolutely off of porn. I don’t even use a control app anymore. I ordered a pizza tonight. I ate about a third of it and put the rest away. I only ordered the pizza because I am starting a fast again tomorrow. I guess I am hoping there is still a chance. And even if people are exhausted of me (I completely would be too: this is taking a long time) I am going to continue going to Mass daily, being pleasant, reading Scripture, trying as hard as I can to forgive and being the best person I can be. I know I am telling the truth. And I have faith that God will do with that what He feels both, I deserve and what your world needs. I am unsure what God will do now. But I know that He is a fair and just God and I can say that you will not be disappointed. There’s a reason this is all concealed. I am telling the truth. I only wish I was able to trust sooner. Don’t let deceitful and empty words lead you astray from the truth that you know. Don’t let smooth speech that appeals to your emotion lead you astray from common sense. I’m saying this because I care about you. No one has the right to tell you how you feel or what you went through. For any reason. I have been very open about my thoughts and feelings. As well as the things, which I felt merited confession. I am trying very hard to walk and live in the light. But traumatic reactions and traumatic shame are very real. The darkness is very strong right now. I am telling the truth. I am not crazy. Follow the light.