May 9, 2016:

I’m feeling good today. It’s my third day off of fast food, like pizza and stuff. I’m finding it easier to move around. Went to bed last night around midnight. I got to sleep relatively quickly. I’m hoping I have eased into the new apartment. This morning, when I was on the bus, I felt such a prolonged pang of fear in my tummy. It’s funny that the feeling occurred after I took a couple of deep breaths. That, too, is finally starting to make sense to me. Prior, I wasn’t able to breathe into my stomach to relax myself. It was an amazing feeling as I was able to feel quite relaxed with a few breaths. But, with the relaxation, there was a lot of fear that surfaced. In so many ways, this is entirely positive. It means I am allowing this stuff to the surface where I can process it and be done with the feeling. I feel like confronting issues is bringing out many emotions that were trapped very deep. This morning, I went to the Post to change my address. Now, I’m at Starbucks where I am going to write for a little. After, I’ll go to my old place to get my landlord to sign a note I wrote that I lived there for the past year and pick up any mail. I’ll go to Mass at 7 and then go to the gym afterwards. I know everything may seem confusing to you at the moment. Things, by the graces of God, will make sense at a point. Continuation: I went to Mass this evening. It was really nice. The homilies are always so powerful and meaningful. They ignite little explosions of love in my heart. Sometimes, it’s nice just to meditate through the Mass or service, allowing my heart to soak up Truth. I want to say tonight that I am very happy with my life. Always, always, I continue to strive to be a better person. But, in spite of everything I have experienced, I am very grateful and thankful today and for my yesterdays. They have made me who I am today. I am very grateful and thankful for my today. I am not gay. There is one reason I avoid intimacy. Please don’t try to rationalize. Remember everything I have said and done. I’ll be the first to admit the wrong things I have done in my life. There’s a reason for this. I am a different man today. I am very proud of the man I am. I have quirks and struggles still, which entirely are reactions to trauma. But overall, I feel strongly that I am a good man today. For His glory. I went to the gym after. I pushed 160 lbs chest press twelve reps followed by another set of eight reps. It feels great to be going back. I am so thankful to have the ability to go.