January 24, 2016:

Today, I missed my dismissal in the morning. I went to bed at midnight last night but couldn’t sleep until 4-5AM. Lots on my mind. Nothing too hectic. I went to my old church last night. I realized a couple of days ago that maybe I hadn’t said goodbye to a lot of people when I stopped going. In fact it was wonderful to see everybody. Everybody greeted me happily. Some looked at me questioningly as though they didn’t understand why I had been gone for so long. Afterwards, the guy who always gave me rides to the bus offered me a ride again. I asked him if Jack, my old small group leader was still hosting his Men’s Ministry. It would be nice to see Jack again as I grew to look up to him. Anyways, it was great to be there again. Even though it may be the last time I go. I want to commit whole heartedly to my new church and family. I want people to know that this decision was mine, not an inspired decision. This church that I left is a good church. I will explain a bit more later. Today, in spite of the fact that I missed my dismissal, I went to my church where I waited around for a while to watch families who were having their newborns baptized. It was lovely to see. I waited around for quite some time because I prefer silence when I pray the rosary. Nobody’s fault but my own. I should have expected Sunday to have been a busy day. Still, I was glad to have been able to witness a bit of that. A new realization was made clear to me this morning. It was of myself as just a young one. I am not sure what age I would have been but it would have been quite young. Anyways, I was crying because I was being mistreated. Around me then was somebody who was close to me. I prefer not to say who. All the while I was crying, they were screaming at me to shut up and calling me names. This went on until I simply stopped crying. They were essentially telling me that my needs and desires were useless. I am learning, even as I confront this memory, to realize that my needs and desires are very worthwhile. I am a human being and I deserve to be treated so much better than that. I deserve to be loved. Today, I am thankful for being healthy enough that I can choose the relationships that come into my life. Today, I am thankful that I am loved with God’s grace. I am grateful for Mary, who will never give up on me. Because I want to honor him: Dear little Jonathan, I am struggling finding something to say to you. I’m struggling because I know in my heart that what you deserve to hear are the most loving, tender, compassionate words. And it is difficult for anyone to give you the praise you deserve because the words in the universe aren’t enough. What I want you to know right now is that you are so loved. I give you permission to reveal yourself. You are so worthy. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Remember, keep faith in tomorrow. I am living proof that you will overcome. I love you Jonathan. Jonathan