Monday, August 22, 2016

April 25/26, 2016:

A short post for today. I am exhausted and it is late. I’ll write a bit more about this experience tomorrow. I guess now I just want to write to say how great I am feeling about myself. That I stood up for myself against my fears and anxieties. I’m actually pretty dang proud of myself. I’ve been watching youtube videos of others’ experiences on the EdgeWalk for a while now. It looked so exciting. So I booked a walk. Yesterday morning, the day of the walk, I woke feeling near death with anxiety. I went down to Union Station and cabbed over to the Tower, shivering. I met a couple of amazing people who seemed to welcome me very easily and happily to join in their discussion. I think our ease of friendship was increased because of the fear we felt. At least, that’s how I feel. Anyways, I appreciate their talking to me. It was very nice. They strapped us up pretty well. My stomach was dropping and I felt like death stepping out. The hardest part was looking over first, trying to move my toes up to the edge. Once out there, I grew pretty peaceful. It was amazing. I remember repeating to myself over and over, every time I felt anxiety, ‘I trust you, Lord Jesus’. It got to the point where I didn’t have to hold on to the harness to walk. Amazing! What a marvelous experience. Once I came down, felt a little bummed out actually. I had just started to get comfortable up there and could have spent a couple of hours. I had such an awesome time! Then, I went to church. I went to Mass at 7PM in North York. There’s a really nice woman who I have spoken with before. She was a sponsor of one of the other RCIA candidates. I see her from time to time at Mass and at the gym. Today, it was raining after Mass. She came running up after me with an umbrella and offered me the umbrella. What a nice thing. When I got off the bus, I waved to her. When I returned home, I posted some pics of the event on facebook and lots of friends liked and commented on them. I am feeling so great tonight. I listened to worship music for like an hour. I felt such joy. It was the first time I raised my hands like that in worship for a while. It felt very good! After a while, I ordered a pizza. I wanted to celebrate, I guess. After the pizza and a bit of Netflix, I prayed the Rosary out loud and now I am going to go to bed. Like I said, I will write more later. I am just so incredibly grateful for this experience. And I am so thankful that I was able to do it while trusting in Christ. Thank you Jesus. I hope it will make sense to you at some point. God bless you. I want to do the right thing. And I will keep fighting for the truth. And that I was only a child. I didn’t deserve this to have been done to me. Some problems need to be confronted. Others, we can move past boldly without saying anything. This is pure evil. Child abuse is absolute evil. There’s a cycle that perpetuates. Until people who have been wounded in these intimate ways at a developmental stage confront, either through healing or disclosure, the trauma and shame in their hearts will continue to have an influence, consciously or subconsciously upon everything they do in this life. I definitely do not want to imply others have gone through this sort of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am not looking for pity. I just have to do what I feel is right. Let me say very generally, that the reputation, what a person has done and said in their lives should not be questioned when coming forward about a case like the one I am. When abusers begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head. I’m trying to live in the light. I have confessed a lot of things I have been through, terrible, shameful things that most people would be content not sharing openly with the world. I have also confessed some bad things I have done. But I recognize why I did these things and as sincerely as I was able, apologized and repented. Openly.

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