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Monday, August 22, 2016

March 31, 2016:

I wish you could see why I am having so much difficulty. Please just keep your hearts open. I don’t expect anything from you. I care a lot. I care a lot about this world. I’m so sad. I’m fighting internal battles by the hour. I can see the beauty that exists under all of the negativity that is happening. It’s a blessing and a curse. I see the possibility of what the world could be. I wish you could see now what I’m facing so that you could understand. I’m just asking that you keep your hearts open. In this short, partial nonsensical vent, I want you to know that I am not going to give up. I’m not done yet. I can’t even explain how discouraging this is for me. But I will keep my faith strong. Just wait. There will be a transformation. Today, I went to Mass in the afternoon. I had an emotional experience after eating the Communion. It was the first time that I knelt and simply prayed after receiving. I realize this is fundamental now. Please bear with me, this is a large tradition and I am learning something new every day. I memorized the Apostle’s Creed and Hail, Holy Queen and the Mysteries of the Rosary recently. In the autobiography of St. Therese that I am reading at the moment, she mentions that as an infant, she would feel so badly after doing something, which she felt was bad. She felt she needed discipline and was very eager to take part in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This is such a wonderful book so far and very encouraging. At a point, she describes how she and her sister were too young to take part in Holy Communion. They pulled a loaf of bread from the cupboard and each of them, after praying a Hail Mary over it, made the Sign of the Cross and ate it with reverence. The way she described this was humorous but I found their faith very encouraging. This encouraged me and resonated with me because I remember doing similar things in the past. Anyways, in the priest’s homily today at church, he was speaking about the Resurrection. How after Christ was risen He visited with two disciples on the road. He was about to leave when the disciples, not knowing who He was yet, said, ‘It’s already late. Stay with us.’ There’s a lot to be said about this passage but I just want to say that these are very powerful words. And much like the small, powerful prayer “Into your hands,” this is also a very powerful prayer. “Stay with me, Lord.” After Mass, I bought some books and went to my support group at the Gatehouse. It was a great night again. Again, I just want to say how blessed I am to be on this road with these courageous guys. My co-facilitator is really encouraging too. A little while ago, actually after the rehearsal for my Confirmation, I spoke a bit with one of my RCIA leaders. He told me about a smart phone app, called Laudate. Remembering about this, I downloaded it a couple of days ago. It’s a great resource! I downloaded after that a radio app. In the Laudate app, one of the first prayers I found was called the Common Sense Prayer by Mother Theodore Guerin. This was so encouraging for me as I read it on the streetcar to the Gatehouse last night. I was really starting to catch myself taking on a lot of negative things happening around me. In addition to everything that has happened at the Gatehouse, especially during my own primal recovery from abuse (in other words, all last year), I took a lot of the stuff I had heard there home with me. I remember, especially during the first phase I did there, the following couple of days after group were painful for me. Later, I would be able to distance myself from the tragic stories of others until now, I feel stable in my ability to process what I am feeling more effectively. I suppose what I am taking on, what I feel guilty about is all of the negative things happening today. As an example, the failed assault trials that happened. Yesterday, somebody jumped on the tracks at the subway. The second I heard this, my soul just dropped within me and I took on a bit of the responsibility for this. I hope anybody reading this can respect how difficult it is for me to acknowledge and process this. I feel as though I could have prevented stuff like this from happening, had I have been well enough to trust and accomplish my mission sooner. I feel this a lot. I feel a lot of painful and sorrowful responsibility for what happens. And in a lot of ways, it’s true. But it’s unfair on myself to take on the entirety of this burden. God knows, I am so incredibly sorry that this is taking so long. And I wish I could have done things differently. I wish people could see how desperately and exasperatingly I am trying; that I weep and pray for days at times. I wish you could see that it’s not out of malice that I am postponing this. The reason I can say this is because I know I’ll be held accountable for my failings. And that I know that things will be set to the way they’re supposed to be. There will be justice. Anyways, this prayer, this reflection that I read grounded me and put things into perspective for me. It offered me a lot of hope. And that is how we are going to triumph, how we are going to win. This is how I am going to win and triumph. With hope. Please remember why I came, why I was sent on this mission. Not a conscious choice to not accept what you were offering. Not a wilful, conscious choice I am making to not trust. It’s a result of years of accumulation of stress and traumatic reaction. Neither am I in a sinful state. I am hurting. I can feel God’s compassion and love. He knows why I am having such a hard time. In spite of this, I know that trusting God in everything except one area is not fully dying to ourselves. I want to say still, how much of a beautiful difference I have noticed in myself since taking Communion and having taken part over the past couple of days. I’ve noticed the feelings, the negative ones, but mostly the positive ones being much more available for me to appreciate and process. Whereas in the past, I would have just buried them. I want to acknowledge a vivid recollection I have now that I’ve wilfully shied away from in the past. This is an experience I had during my time in Heaven that stands out nearly as profoundly as any other. I am not aware of the two figures’ identities but the conversation is clear that we had. I’ll write about this later. It felt like we were alone, having a private conversation. They were telling me that a lot of the angels in Heaven were confused about the mission that I was being sent on. They said they didn’t understand the why I should have to sacrifice so much. The work was completed on the Cross. They conjectured that it would have been a difficult mission for anyone. They said then that they all supported God in that His plan always works for the best and that His Will must be done. They said that God saw things that would ultimately bring good even if there was bad in the meanwhile. God saw things that nobody else could. They asked me what I thought then. I told them that God knew best and that I trusted Him. That there must be a reason for the purpose God had for the life I would live. I told them that I felt God’s love in my soul and that I wanted what He wanted for me and that I wanted what was best. I told them I struggled with shame. Even then, I felt it. They asked me then if I was going to overcome at my death. I told them I would. They told me it would be the first time in my life that I would be free of the weight holding me back. I was struggling. More than my struggle, I just wanted to please God. The conversation ends there. Its memory gives me hope. In that I will be with God and that I will always remember Him and His great love. In that the image I have of Him will get me through the period of testing. I’ll be going to the gym tomorrow. I have been twice this week. On the days when I haven’t gone, I have been lifting lighter weights at home. Twenty pounds each arm bicep curls twenty reps each arm. At the gym, I am pushing 175 pounds chest press sixteen reps total. Then I drop to 130 and do the same. I like the explosive early stages. I feel that lowering the weight helps me feel the burn more effectively. Tomorrow, after I return from the gym, I intend to paint as much as I can. I plan to spend up to twelve hours painting tomorrow. I will paint the three paintings I have been speaking about. Today, which may be the day after I started writing this entry, I went to Mass at St. Wilfrid’s. It was a powerful homily. I am getting to know the priests at my church. I always really appreciate the homilies given by the father who offered Mass today. I am grateful for my church today. I ordered pizza for the past couple of nights. I did this because of stress. I am going to stop eating to calm my emotions. This evening, I ordered Mandarin but I was pleased with myself that I ate very reasonably. It will last me tomorrow as well. In addition to my paintings I’ll paint tomorrow, I’m also getting myself into the correct mindset to write my travel book about my experiences in Iceland. I have to seek and find my voice before I start that. My voice for each book I write is a bit different. I always find it difficult to find it again after I have stopped using it out of shame. I am feeling blessed to be able to participate in the Holy Communion. I have tried to attend Mass every day this week. I felt so wonderful today after Mass. I feel as if it is helping me to process my emotions.

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