Monday, August 22, 2016

April 24, 2106:

I have a lot to say today. I want to begin by reposting my very first post in this journal and list of gratitude. January 1, 2015: To start off the year with the greatest thing I am grateful for, I am grateful for a loving Father who just wants me to know His love. This, essentially is the reason I began this journal. To help myself in discerning the love that is so present around me amidst a lot of barriers and trials, which sometimes veil that beautiful FACT from my eyes. To help myself embrace and most of all, trust in the love of the Father, through the great sacrifice of His only Son. Because with that love in our hearts, with the love of G-D Almighty, filling every presence in our beings, we can do anything. I only wish I could have been strong enough to have accept the gracious patience in His love He has showered me with over the course of my life much sooner. But it comes down to today. And I, in spite of the difficulties I have experienced in life so far, am very grateful for all He has given me. I am grateful for every door He has opened for me. And each door He has shut for me. Because I know that in my difficulty trusting, everything has still worked together for the best. It’s all about God and His great love for the world. I want to say something that I feel is such a breakthrough for me. I am learning again to trust and to open my heart. It’s frightening and revealing but it feels so great! It’s a possibility that I simply didn’t know how to in the past. A night a couple of nights ago, I played a video on Youtube before I went to sleep. It was short. Like 6 minutes total. But what it was, was simply a scripted reading with a voice that was mildly difficult to listen to. The words were so powerful. They were something like, ‘soften your focus, release your mind. Focus on a part of your body and just for a moment, allow God to control that part of your body.’ And it progressed to the same thing with people in your life and then to problems. As with anything, trusting begins small. For as long as I can remember, I have had a mild obsession with continually checking my left pocket, in which I keep both my wallet and my cell phone. I check it to ensure that I have not lost anything. It’s obsessive, I realize, in spite of never being in the situation where I have misplaced anything. As well, I feel a similar obsession with my backpack. Sometimes, you’ll see me swing it over my shoulder and checking the zippers to make sure nothing has fallen out. It’s a terrible burden to always do this. Friday afternoon was the first time, the night after watching that video, where I simply allowed myself to trust that it was there without forcing myself to grab at my pocket or inspect my bag. It was very uncomfortable at first. Actually disturbing but when I entered the building to where I was going and allowed myself a regroup I checked them. It felt so amazing that everything was still there. This feeling is growing. Now, I can apply it to daily events and circumstances. And simply relax and let what is happening to happen. I have been able to trust, despite overwhelming anxieties and obstacles in the past. When I went to Florida, when I published a bit of literature, when I updated my facebook status after publishing the some literature. I’ve had difficulty with prolonged and exposed trust. I suppose if I am worthy enough, by God’s graces, you will remember why I had so many difficulties with trust and love. But I have to do this. Things were not meant to happen this way. Well, it was meant to have been revealed much sooner. I take responsibility for the fact that I have come late. I hope this will make sense to you at some point. I hope it will come to a better understanding for you as to why I am doing this. I hope that everything can be set as it was meant to in the first place. I know I have messed up a lot in life as a result of my disobedience. I know for a fact that I was unworthy of the Heavenly gifts offered me before even I had a chance to complete my mission. That is to say, I feel entirely unworthy before His presence, simply in what He has done for me, for us. I know I don’t deserve anything from you or your world. As a result of my disobedience. I know what I have to do. I know what I should have done years ago. I know that God’s plan for me was and has always been for me to escape what they were doing to me. There’s a lot more factors at play in this situation than simply an offence or even a series of offences being committed. I finally did it! I booked my ticket to the Edge Walk at the CN Tower. I’m going tomorrow at 1:30 or something! So anxious. So excited! I remember one time at my high school, shortly after the injury that happened to me. On the upper floor of the building there were windows, overlooking the atrium of the high school. I remember once, walking past the window, relatively close to it. I was close enough to see the ground of the atrium through the windows while I was walking. I think it was my first time walking down this hall. I looked over my shoulder without any concerns, not expecting to see down to the atrium. The second I saw the people at the bottom, my body just collapsed. It felt like it was forcing itself into the fetal position. I fell on the ground. Lol! Every ladder I have climbed up since my injury, I haven’t been able to make it past about four rungs before my body starts doing the same thing. We’ll challenge this tomorrow! I’m strapped in pretty tightly! I went for a spiritual counselling session with a priest on Friday. It was a really productive meeting. Afterwards, he was nice enough to accept a confession. After this, I went to Ikea. I want to acknowledge how kind the bus drivers were this day. I went to Ikea to get some furniture for my new place I am moving into within the next couple of days. The cab driver who drove me home from Ikea was really cool and helped me with the packages. That evening, my buddy Seyed invited us out for dinner. It was his birthday yesterday. It was a good night. I had a bit of beer. It’s nice to treat every once in a while. I hadn’t drank for like a month before this. A woman with whom I lived at Assiniboine at York U was working at the place we went to. I asked the waitress if they could sing happy birthday to my buddy. The woman I know came as well and recognized me. I was so happy to see her. She’s simply an awesome person. And she has so much light. Today in church, I sang with the choir again. I felt so liberated that I was able to actually sing to God. I hope I didn’t sing too loudly. I was just letting myself beee. After the call, I wept for a couple of minutes. It was unlike any other experience I have had in twenty years. After weeping, I felt better. I remember one thing about church very clearly. A woman in the choir brought her son. He was running around and having fun before Mass started. When Mass began, I could hear him snoring in the mother’s arms next to me. She then, lay him down behind her at the back of the seat. She placed his coat under him and put a book under his head. Then a couple of people came and sat next to me, so that I was sitting then closer to the boy who was sleeping. When we stood to sing with the next hymn, I was always conscious of what was behind me so that I was sure that when I sat down, I wouldn’t sit on him. Before, I would never have hurt a child deliberately. I just wouldn’t have been so conscientious. I need to get something out of my system. I’ve placed the needs of others ahead of my own my entire life. It was in trust and love that I allowed myself to be abused for such a long time in such a rough way. I didn’t feel worthy of escaping in spite of the presence of God’s assurance and pleas to disclose. I didn’t feel worthy of anything for myself because of how I was treated in my infancy.

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