Note:

Please know that I never claimed to be perfect. This is an impossible task in this world. Only One did it. I am proud to say though, that I am an entirely different man than I was a week ago and an exponentially different man than I was ten years ago. I am proud of myself that I have had the courage to deal with a lot of issues I had in my life. I even took the initiative to confess and apologize for a great deal of the things I have done. I think, personally, that it takes a lot of courage to admit you’re in the wrong and to apologize for stuff a long time ago. But there was a reason even for the things that I did. Suffering leads to stumbling. With what I went through, I think, personally that it’s miraculous that I didn’t become an even greater mess than I am. May I say with love that some of the things I have done in my life, I am very sorry for. But it does not change what I was forced to endure. I’ve come to a point in my life where I am proud to have gone through what I have gone through. But there are a few things I am not proud to have done. The fact is that I was suffering a lot. It’s not an excuse. It’s the reason. I pray things will be made clear to your world. I have repented and the bad things I have done are very much in the light for me. I’m happy to say that I am a different man today than I was a long time ago. It was God who created in me a heart eager to follow His decrees. It was God who put an end to the bad things in my life and created within me the desire to be righteous. It was God who, in some cases, over twenty years later, put on my heart to confess wrongs I did in the way I was able and apologize. I wanted to apologize even in the extremely unjust face of everything that I went through. Keep things in perspective. Do not forget sound reason. Again, the reason we think people do and say things does not always line up with truth. Do not judge according to the flesh but judge righteous judgement. I love children because they are our future. I feel it is my responsibility, because I know how important they are, to stand up for abused children to spread awareness on the stigma of child sexual abuse. I am reflecting over the childhood I lost when I look at them. I’ll let you judge that as you will. I was still a child myself when I did these things. With the pornography, I was still getting over what they had done to me. Which I have stopped entirely. I have not looked at pornography or anything lustfully for probably a year. When you assess my past, please don’t neglect the mercy I have extended to my abusers. I’ve gone through my entire childhood feeling alone. It’s very damaging to invalidate the experiences of a sexual abuse child survivor. Child sexual abuse is a very serious crime, one of which I was the victim for a long time. I have committed a massive amount of energy into healing. I am very sorry for some of the things I have done as a victim of child sexual abuse. But I am a different person today. I am a survivor. My sin is in the light of day as far as I know. God sees all and does not judge as man judges. He can have compassion because He knows why we sin. He can see our hearts. Regardless, confession is very useful. I am so sorry for the things I have done in my life. I just hope they can understand what I was going through or had just gotten over after doing these things. We have to repent of these behaviors. I am trying to do that. I have committed to healing. Keep in perspective what I am claiming to have gone through. There is a reason I keep talking about the developmental stages. Trusting God is like laying your head, the head a small child, onto the shoulder of your father, allowing Him to carry you to your bed where He places you down and caresses you in a loving way and rocks you until you fall asleep. Safe and sound. Loved and comforted. This is what our Home will be like. Such a wonderful joy and comfort awaits those who follow the will of God, which is to love. Insisting someone forgive before they are healed themselves is like insisting a person with a mending broken leg skip rope. http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/childsexualabuse.html . Check this site out. http://www.christiansurvivors.com/forgiveness.html . Absolutely check this one out. Actually, I think I would rather you read this one article more than whether or not you’re going to read my journal. I want you to read my journal. I’m saying this because this article is so incredibly poignant and true in what it say. A quote from this page: “This verse is relevant when a perpetrator of abuse asks the victim for forgiveness. In this context a person needs to consider the process of forgiveness when forgiveness has been sought by the individual who has caused the harm. In these circumstances is it not the perpetrator who needs to acknowledge the sin, repent and ask for forgiveness? It is the perpetrator who has sinned, not the victim.”