Monday, August 22, 2016

May 15, 2016:

Today was wonderful. I slept late. My buddy Rob and I went to the casino last night. I didn’t do so hot but Rob won 350 dollars. I walked away not losing that much. At poker, I just didn’t do so well. I made some very poor calls and raises. I lost two buy-ins in about an hour and a half. The first loss I would have done again, only I would have raised before the flop. I had KK. The opponent flopped two pair. Oh well. I went across the street and ate at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. In the street, there was a pedestrian crossing path that didn’t have any lights or signals. A couple of guys passing saw that I was trying to figure it out and asked if I wanted to get across. One of the guys helped me. It was unnecessary but much appreciated. I was a bit bitter at this point at having lost some money. At the restaurant, I had a plate of mashed potatoes and some dips. It was expensive but very good stuff. The waitresses were very nice. On the bus ride home, something kind of weird happened. There was a polite Asian man who I sat next to. I say he was polite because he was nice about letting me sit next to him. Really, he just slept for the ride. About half way home to Toronto, I guess he had a nightmare or something. Or apnoea. He just woke up suddenly and started flailing his arms around, almost grabbed my hand. It went on for a good ten seconds. I kind of got triggered. But I just told him he was probably having a nightmare and assured him. I didn’t know him but it’s what I would want if that happened to me in a strange place. Anyways, I got in at 3AM last night. I was worried about waking up my roommates. I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could have. In the morning, they both told me they were sleeping. Anyways, it’s not going to be a common thing. Anyways, today started well. On the way to the bus in the afternoon, a woman smiled at me when I looked at her. It made me feel really good and still is cheering up my day. We shouldn’t underestimate the impact of something like this. I’m learning as well. It’s difficult to be cheerful and to smile when you’re tired, stressed and with other things going on. But this is something I am going to try to do more of. Simply because I realize the impact it had, one person’s action, on the rest of my day. If I can replicate this and help another person, I will feel good. Anyways, today I went to Starbucks to meet with a friend to whom I have been texting. *I kept looking out the window to see if I could see her.* It was twenty minutes after I was supposed to meet her that I texted her and there had simply been some miscommunication. She told me she was free all next week. Looking forward to meeting her. Another weird thing happened. I decided to stay at Starbucks for a while. It was pretty busy. It’s also a small Starbucks. A woman entered and started walking back and forth between the tables. After a while, she started to become agitated, saying stuff like, “why are there no chairs for me to sit at? People who are using their computers should do it at home. It’s not fair that I can’t have a chair.” After a minute, she was still venting. I told her that I would move to the bar and she could have the table I was sitting at if she wanted. In hindsight, I realize now that I shouldn’t have done this. That’s one problem I have, which I am focussing on more and more in my recovery. I people please at times. Aside from the financial decisions I have made, which are conscious and deliberate choices, I do other small things to make others’ lives easier even if it’s to my detriment. This is my problem. Not yours. I’m learning and getting better. Anyways, the woman who was complaining, when I offered her the table, simply said “no, no it’s alright. I don’t want you to have to move for me.” I kind of felt for her. There’s no way for me to know fully what she was thinking but I reflect on times in my past when I have wanted something yet rejected it when it was being offered to me. For me, I always did this because I did not feel worthy. Anyways, I went to Home Depot after and got a space heater for my room and plants. The staff were extremely helpful. They had to get a motor lift to bring down the crate. When I thanked them for their time, he said, “Thank you for being patient.” There are very nice people out there apparently. I went to Mass after. It was a powerful homily again as it often is. Afterwards, I prayed the rosary to myself. I want very much to sing in the choir on Saturdays but because Saturdays are often the only time my friends can play golf, I might miss a few choir evenings. I will go when I am able, because I really enjoy that. Continuation: Emotional stress can cause cognitive problems as well. There is a striking similarity between the symptoms of traumatic reaction and what we would consider insanity. I am not crazy. I have been through a lot. What I am certain of is that I do not want to regret my life going to my grave. I don’t want to regret the fact that I never confronted this issue. I’ve already been robbed of a lot. And I am certain that had they not done and continued to do the sort of things they were doing to me, I would never have acted out in the ways I did in my life, which brought shame to me. I would venture to say that even that injury that happened to me, wouldn’t have happened. In any case, I am so thankful to Christ for the life that I have today and for the experiences and memories that I am blessed with. After the injury that happened to me, I never really understood why the entire time I spent with them, the angels continually told me the earlier I was to disclose what happened to me the easier it would be I understand this now. The darkness surrounding this issue has gotten stronger as it has progressed. I’m sorry things have gone this long. This will end well though. I promise you this.

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