January 17, 2016:

I’m feeling good right now. All of yesterday, I stayed at home. Thinking, a little saddened. Regardless, I will keep fighting. I went to church this morning. I was still feeling very sad. It was a wonderful homily on transformation. The readings were wonderful too. The Gospel reading was from the Book of John, where Jesus changed the water to wine. In the priest’s homily, he was speaking about the Mother Mary and the fact that she will never abandon us. This really resonated with me and made me feel loved. I guess it’s because of some personal reasons that it touched me so much. After, we went to discuss the readings along with the RCIA class. There was something on my heart. I felt really burdened and saddened. I was practically crying to myself in the meeting. I hope no one noticed. Trauma, shame and anger, if we do not release it, will fill into our hearts and continue to affect the way we live. This is true years after, if we repress the feelings. And so it was with me another reason I have such difficulty controlling my emotions physically is because there is so much pent up anger and shame within my heart. A couple of days ago I went to the gym where I unloaded on the punching bag. And after, I felt so much better. This is what I am talking about. Though, truly for me, I was meant to disclose what was happened to me a lot sooner so that, there could have been justice carried out and I could have had the opportunity to express my feelings about what they did to me. “God values the protection and safety of children and of those suffering more than He values the endurance of pain for the sake of endurance. God would rather protect a child than have that child suffer and then have to forgive.” The way to overcome these feelings is by dealing with them and replacing the void with the Gospel and with the love of God. I felt this very clearly in the time I spent at the monastery in Georgia, where I quit a three pack of cigarette a day addiction in a day and never looked back to it. “It’s a beautiful, wonderful world. It is a wonderful and great gift, this life, if we can allow our perspectives the shift for a moment to see how much we have, how much we are loved and how much we have waiting for us. If we choose to love. Please remember how important all of you are. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. And your existences matter a great deal.” You’re all very important. Remember how valuable you all are. And it’s very true. We have the responsibility to make of life whatever we have been given. We have the choice whether to be grateful or bitter. But we have to strive to remember that other people make very real choices that affect us. We have to take accountability, realizing that our actions greatly influence others’ lives. We have to make a commitment to help those who cannot help themselves. That is what being a human is about. I’m not judging or condemning at all (I don’t believe I am in a place to do that at all). All I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful. I went to the gym again this evening. I didn’t use the punching bag but worked out quite a bit. With the chest press, I pushed 145lbs (it says 145 on the weight I am using) eight times for two sets. That’s a progression. I went to the grocery store after and bought some more fruits and vegetables. I’ve been going quite a bit over the past couple of weeks. I just want to make sure I am stocked with appropriate stuff for me to eat. I’m still doing well. I’m down to 174lbs this morning.