March 6-7, 2016:

I went to my second Scrutiny ceremony this morning. It was lovely and the priest told us a story that really resonated with me and nearly brought me to tears. It was an emphasis on the story of the Prodigal Son. In it, he was telling about a family who got into a fight. The father shouted at the son and told him to pack up and leave. So the son leaves and years pass. The son wants to call but fear is holding him back. And the father is looking for his son. Eventually, the son calls and leaves a voice message on the father’s messaging, saying that he wanted to come by but was scared the father might reject him. So he told the father that he was going to drive by the old house at a certain time. If he wanted to see the son, he asked him to place a yellow ribbon on one of the trees nearby. That way the son would know that he wanted to see him. The son, at the time planned, went with a friend to drive by on the bus. When they were driving past the neighborhood, the son covered his eyes and told the friend to tell him if he saw a yellow ribbon. So as they drove by, the friend said nothing and the son was about to cry when he opened his eyes and saw his friend weeping. When his friend was finally able to speak, he told him why. There was not just one yellow ribbon. There were thousands of ribbons streaming across the trees. I seriously shed a tear after this story was told. After the homily, we approached for a blessing and for the prayers of the faithful. My sponsor Rob was there. After Mass, I met up with Rob who offered me a ride to the gym again. I realized today I was not entirely ready to begin my fast. For some reason, I am feeling very weighed down and stressed today. I could barely even express myself. Maybe because after Mass, I went to the gym where I did a work out for the second day in a row. I was very hungry after the work out so I went to Mr. Greek. I realize that I cannot give in to temptations when I am on my fast. But I want to begin solidly. I will start tomorrow. I went to my friend Rob’s place after for poker. I am so grateful for these guys. They really are amazing friends. I hope I am expressing that to them. Anyways, this story the priest told in his homily really got me thinking. At the same time, I know the message God has sent me with clearly. But I want very much to do the right thing for God and for your world. I will pray for discernment. There is a reason. There is a reason but not an excuse for why this is taking so long. I hope that reason will be made clear. I am so sorry. Please know that whatever happens, I have always wanted the best thing for God and for you. Whatever happens, what you deserve will be brought to you. I am praying always. I am starting my fast tomorrow. I have been abstinent for a while. I feel I have been very courteous and polite with people for the past week. When people don’t want to look at me, I am taking the cues and looking away. This is something I am proud of. Tonight, I am grateful for friends, my sponsor and my church. I am grateful for the Confirmation process. Why do you think I am still going to the gym? Still committing to things? Still going to church? Why do you think I fast? Waking up in the morning? It was never intended for me to have so much difficulty and suffer so much. Fear of God does not have to be dread and terror. It’s a confidence that God will do what He says He will do. It’s about trust.