Monday, August 22, 2016
May 19, 2016:
It’s very painful to walk again today. It’s not natural. When I walk without the deepest of my concentration, it’s very difficult. I have to concentrate on every step. Not complaining. I think I am going to have to start getting to bed sooner in the night. When I first moved in to my new place, I carried on my habit of sleeping at 4AM and really felt it. I was exhausted most of the day, physically fatigued and hurting most of the day. Now, I’m getting to bed at midnight. I’m feeling a bit better now but not at my prime. I’ll try, as the nights go on, reducing the time I go to bed at and increasing the amount of sleep I get. Anyways, I was actually planning to get a cab over from Steeles to the gym when I go in a couple of hours. Realizing that I’d rather challenge myself. I want to challenge myself in spite of the fact that it is difficult. I had another realization a couple of days ago. Or, rather, it was made clear to me on a stronger level. When I was younger, an abuser would sneak up from behind me and grope me. He’d grab me aggressively and with the other hand, he’d put forcefully on my neck or mouth. He’d laugh when he’d do this in a menacing way. I remember, as this continued to happen, I lost faith in my ability to sense threat and so, just another reason why I would just black out when threatened. I lost faith in my senses as he’d most of the time, do it while I was distracted. I’d feel violated and shamed. As years passed and it just continued, I suppose as a reaction to this and the physical rapes, I developed a defence mechanism where I would fall backwards whenever I realized that this was happening. Anyways, I’m learning with help of many supportive people that I am safe and loved. I’m not saying these things to demonize anyone. I just feel I need to feel as though I have the right to speak about it. And a part of fighting against the silence is learning to use your voice again. I commented on a friend’s music cover of a song that she posted on facebook. I really like her music. She responded almost immediately and thanked me. It reminded me how good it feels to encourage people to feel good about themselves. Showing people their traits that shine about them or reminding them about those traits when they’re having difficulty can be so powerful. Not only for the one receiving the compliment. Imagine if more people did that. This morning, I woke up to a great surprise. My poppy seeds are sprouting! I put a plastic wrap over the bowl a couple of nights ago to keep the humidity in. It worked. I am going to create a blog online. I’m going to continue these thoughts there. Have gone to the gym again. I feel as though I will hit the punching bag today. I know the right thing to do. And I will do it. This was not my fault. If I don’t believe I deserved better, how can I expect others to believe it? I’ve got to admit, I felt a little threatened today. Not in a bad way. I just felt a little judged. I interpreted this judgement as being criticism of the fact that I’ve told my story. I think I handled my feelings pretty well. Still, I have made a commitment to being positive and to expressing gratitude through all. Today I prayed for boldness. Boldness in speaking the Gospel and sharing the truth through my words and actions. Today, I am thankful that I am free. There may be a lot of old coping patterns and mechanisms holding me back. But I am free to choose what I want. I understand those choices. I’m grateful that I have friends to point out to me the fact that I have a big heart. When I tell them what my abusers did to me and then tell them the fact that I still feel compassion and love for them, they tell me that. I’m very blessed to have such wonderful friends today. I am more grateful now than I ever have been, I think. Simply because I am noticing the love around me and the gifts of Creation that continually bless all of us. I believe in the resurrected Christ. Thank you Jesus.